My baby sister Rose called me the other day to tell me she would be getting married soon. This is a girl I bathed and whose diapers I changed, for Pete’s sake! (Who’s Pete anyway?) Just the other day, she was crawling all over the house and calling me “Beyiyi” Now her wedding is beckoning!
After I hung up, I walked to the mirror to take an umpteenth look at myself. Once again, I cursed the day a bride’s bouquet fell into my lap. I had attended a friend’s wedding and when it was time for the bride to throw the bouquet, I remained in my seat and laughed at how the single ladies were desperately standing behind the bride and screaming out her name.
I did not give a damn! My man had just proposed the previous month and a golden engagement ring hugged my finger. But all of a sudden, the bouquet landed on my laps spilling my soda.
I grabbed it and started jumping up and down imagining that it meant good things were headed my way. I thought my man was going to propose again with a silver ring somewhere in the CBD with Sauti Sol singing in the background. I was going to have two rings on my finger, silver and gold! I even printed my new Gor Mahia jersey two days later with the words “NO VACANCY” on the back. Little did I know vacancy was around the corner and it was coming with its whole clan.
As I looked at myself in the mirror, I grinned and swore once again never to go anywhere near a bride who was about to throw the bouquet. That thing brought me bad luck!
Barely two months after that fateful wedding, my golden ring was returned to sender. The bouquet took me back to square one. It must have been the artificial flowers. I still wonder, to date, why my friend settled for an artificial bouquet. It was haunted! There I was, I had forgotten the dating game and now I had to play it all over again.
I have come face to face with the real Nairobi men who talk heaven and deliver hell. One even told me that if I dated him, I would make my first million by end of the year. I had recited the Novena enough times that week about magnifying my finances and when he mentioned the million part, I thought God was answering my prayer.
I was not ready for any relationship but I was ready to join the movers and shakers in Kenya, so mimi huyooo, I accepted to try and be a girlfriend. Shock on my double-A snakes! I ended up leaving that union broker than when I joined it. This guy kept talking of investments day in and out and that’s where it ended, theory. He made me write enough business proposals to a point I could recite them off head. Kumbe he was an academic writer and was busy earning thousands in my name! Damn those university students who can’t do assignments!
Then came another one who walked into my life thumping his chest that he could sire beautiful kids! Are there ugly kids anyway? He came during the quail craze and kept saying I was his quail. Rest in peace creativity! Did he actually think that made me blush and turn red? I did not even dare get into a relationship with this one, he could go to hell and come back riding on a pregnant mosquito for all I care.
I gave up on dating Nairobi men when another one came to tell me he had a bar in Pipeline and wanted me to help him find out if his employees were stealing from him. I had to pretend I was a barmaid there for a month!
Dear Jesus! If these are the men in Nairobi, I would rather carry my 30-year-old self and dance myself silly in people’s weddings! So dear sister Rose, slap me with the colour theme because my dancing shoes are on.
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