When the flag flies half mast

By Jennifer Karina

 Erectile dysfunction is a real problem for many men. Sex is a basic need and a major benefit of the matrimonial union.   Erectile dysfunction is a major issue, and many men, young and old alike, suffer silently with this condition.  Apparently, less than ten per cent seek medical attention while the remaining 90 per cent continue to live in silence denying themselves and their partner’s sexual fulfilment. 

Erectile dysfunction is defined as the failure to have and maintain an erection sufficient for satisfying sexual activity. This state of affairs can have significant emotional and physical consequences on the relationship. The female partner feels unwanted, unattractive, inadequate, rejected, helpless and sexually unfulfilled as the man deals with emotions fear, shame, guilt, denial and frustration.

This condition affects the man’s ego and he can, sometimes, become angry and resentful, blaming the problem on their partner.  For most men, their manhood is tied to their sexual abilities and failure on that part is devastating and demeaning.

I recall a class exercise we did some time back on values and 99 per cent of the male students rated sexual prowess as their number one value, placing lesser significance to a jail term, suffering a terminal illness, losing a close relative, parent and even a spouse.  It was an eye-opening exercise.

Take Justine’s case: “I have not had sex with my wife for the last one year and for long, I was aware that I couldn’t satisfy her sexually. I withdrew and made excuses and she became critical of me and thus, affected my esteem greatly. This has had a great impact on me and affects our relationship. I felt that I wasn’t a real man. I did not know what to do and lived in denial, making every excuse to be away from home.  Please help me.”

Justine is not alone. There are many men who are unable to perform due to psychological causes; anxiety, depression, fear of performance, familiarity, guilt, past sexual abuse and insecurities. Erectile dysfunction can pose some serious challenges to the relationship.

Studies indicate that 70 per cent of erectile dysfunction is physical, while 30 per cent is psychological.  The physical challenges may be as a result of accident, hormonal, medical and lifestyle choices. Medical conditions such as diabetes, kidney disease, hardening of the arteries, drugs and alcohol, play a role in this dysfunction.

What can I do?

  • Change your lifestyle habits, lose weight, exercise, avoid excessive alcohol and keep your levels of energy high. 
  • Exercise positive thinking and speak with your partner about your feelings openly.
  • Do not quit on intimacy, continue to cuddle and touch. Lifestyle is founded on habits; do not quit no matter what.
  • Use positive affirmations; Apply a triple A overdose, Admire, Affirm and Appreciate. Be sensual not sexual.
  • Take time out and have a weekend away together.
  • Read extensively about the subject for your comfort. Information is power.
  • Take personal responsibility and stop the blame game. 
  • If that does not work, visit your doctor for an evaluation and treatment plan.