When patience and hope conquers

By Olive Kalekye Burrows

It was a simple ceremony held in the pastor's office and witnessed by only their closest family and friends. A ceremony without the grandeur of a fancy white dress, bucket loads of flowers, a tiered cake or band but a beautiful ceremony nonetheless.

However, Betsy and James Mutevu seven year on and off relationship was proof that long distance relationships can work but they are extremely difficult.

Before Betsy left for the University of Central Oklahoma on August 7, 2003 she gave James an option out of their year long relationship should he not want to try and make a long distance relationship work. His response was, "I’m not trying, I am in this for the long haul."

Betsy then made him promise not to break her heart, "Let me not get there and hear you’ve moved on."

But the turbulent waters of the Atlantic and an eight- hour time difference was not all that separated the two.

Betsy and James Mutevu share a light moment

"I suspected I was carrying his child before I left but I didn’t want him to use it to hold me back," Betsy says. "I left it until I was about to go into labour to tell him he was going to be a father."

Factor in post-natal depression and a cold war ensued. The couple not exchanging a word for six months after their daughter Claudia was born.

Betsy says: "He amazed me by not running for the exit screaming when I told him I could raise Claudia on my own."

"What if Claudia is to become an American president?" James says jokingly. "I knew Betsy had no support and so I closed my account and sent her all my money," James adds sombrely.

James, unwilling for her to be a single mother, asked Betsy’s parents for her hand in marriage. He was turned down as Betsy’s parents were unwilling to have their only daughter be forced into a life-long commitment because of a child being born out of wedlock. It was agreed that Betsy should complete her undergraduate studies before thinking of marriage.

The couple’s initial calculations indicated that Betsy’s studies would take a maximum of five years after which they would be back together.

But when the time came for her long awaited return, no homecoming took place. Betsy had hoped to get an American citizenship and maybe, as a family, they could all settle there but her first Green Card application was rejected. She tried to appeal the decision when the five years were up. "One way people hasten the process is by marrying an American citizen," Betsy says. But this was unthinkable, afterall, James was waiting for her. On a brighter side too, Betsy’s parents were warming up to the idea of James marrying their daughter.

Denied visa

James immediately set about applying for a visa to join Betsy.

But it was as though the American government had conspired to lengthen their separation. None of the three visa applications James made was granted, "One of the reasons being I had no ties in the way of a wife and child to guarantee my return," he says.

Five years had then turned into six and Betsy felt she was holding James back. "The last time he applied for a visa he’d even gone through a college and still he was denied one. I told him to get a girl and get married."

It would seem Betsy had given up on the wait and was serious on James moving on. "He’d speak to his daughter but I cut off all communication so he’d be forced to seriously consider my proposal."

But James was not on the same boat with her. He would give her the space but hopefully one day she’d rethink her decision.

Betsy did come around. Maybe she realised James was worth it after all. She phoned him and needless to say, they picked up from where they left, but this time it was all the way to the altar; exchanging vows about three months ago, on a rainy Friday morning in Mombasa after more than seven years of separation.

The challenge now is to strengthen the bond between James and his daughter and the newly weds learning to live with each others eccentricities.

"Just like his daughter, he keeps pushing me out of bed in his sleep and it’s funny how both James and Claudia put their hands on their hips when they mean business," Betsy says laughing.

"I tend to keep things bottled up but Betsy tackles problems as they occur," James adds.

These differences extend to how they made their long distance relationship work, "Informing the church that I attend in Oklahoma about James kept me faithful," Betsy says.

"My claims were regarded a myth and those who believed me discouraged me so I kept mum," James says.

What they do swear by? "Make decisions as you would were you living together."

The two also hold the passwords to each others email and Facebook accounts, "I don’t understand how he can have over 400 friends and I have fewer than 30," Betsy jokes.

Having just been declared man and wife they clamour into a van with their family and friends their rocky road down the aisle a distant memory.