Yours, mine or ours?

By Nancy Njangi-Mbithi

Money management at home has been rated as the number seven, marriage stressor in Kenya.

Dr Emmy Gichinga, a psychotherapist, in her book Pre-Marital Counselling: A Counselling Guide, goes on to say that this situation is made worse when the wife earns more money than the husband, bringing about a ‘role reversal’ situation.

This is the situation that is presenting itself more and more today as women and men get equal opportunities of exposure and employment.

Superiority or inferiority complexes should not arise in an atmosphere of love.

To complicate the money situation even further, there are those who get into marriage for all the wrong reasons. Money should not be viewed as an end in itself. It is a means by which we perform duties of the family. Therefore, if money is the reason why we are in a marriage, then we could be in the wrong institution.

Secret Money

As we get into marriage we realise that we have to consult before spending. What happens in the family has to be viewed as something affecting the couple and not just one spouse.

In marriage ‘ours’ means unity and ‘yours’ or ‘mine’ means we are still leaving in singlehood; separate lives.

When people start thinking ‘yours’ and ‘mine’, then competition, criticism and definitely disunity finds a place in marriage. Secret accounts, secret properties and secret savings just in case things do not work out, will also show up.

‘Yours’ and ‘mine’ mentality is a sure way of ending a marriage before it actually begins. Even the children will note this disunity and as will the in-laws. They will know who to speak to when they want a favour done. Worse still, they may play the two of you and benefit from both parties. We know of friends who got two sets of pocket money from their parents without the knowledge of either!

Reasons given for having secret monies and accounts are actually understandable and could amount to true fears; that the money will be spent to meet the goals of the other spouse, that one will be forced to use the money differently, that more will be expected of you now that you have some money to spend, among other fears. These concerns however should be discussed to bring about harmony.

Different or Joint Account?

In the past, I was a strong believer that couples should never have joint accounts. This thinking, however, changed and I highly advocate that a family posses one account for those long-term family projects.

Most important, the couple must learn to trust each other and believe that they both have each other’s interest at heart. If a spouse cannot trust the other on money issues, how then can they trust them with their life or children?

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