Photo:Courtesy

Nowadays, every joker with a cheap smartphone, a social media account and access to internet wants to be a political blogger.

This is because political blogging, unlike other forms of blogging like fashion, entertainment, sports, health, food, environment and agriculture does not require brains.

All you need to do is to align yourself with a tribal political outfit associated with your mother tongue and pretend to conform to its nonexistent ideologies.

Then you start worshipping the party leader, like a god. You become submissive like the wives of old. You call him Alpha and omega. You coin nicknames that make him appear larger than life. You defend him (it is always a he) with your blood and bundles.

To effectively do this, you'll need to learn a few insults and there is no better school than social media or prime time TV news and public rallies where ‘Honourables’  denigrate and demonise other tribes.

Once you are armed to the teeth with the sharpest insults, suspend your brain. A good brain is a handicap in political blogging. They're like water and paraffin. They don't mix.

You cannot perform your duties to the required standards as a political blogger if you have a quality brain.

You must replace it with something filthy and outdated. Because blogging goes with sycophancy and sycophancy has never impregnated intellect.

Thus, you must become a buffoon who sees nothing, hears nothing and does nothing except executing mediocre orders from your political benefactor - a job so engrossing it makes you ignore the conjugal rights of those you love.

Once you've parked your brain behind a nice city council toilet, develop some form of arrogance. This will come in handy in dismissing those who criticise your boss especially when their criticism is based on solid facts.

You must storm that conversation with insults and threaten the participants with hell fire. This will throw the whole flock into confusion and the hitherto sober debate that was flourishing before your grand arrival will turn chaotic and degenerate into a theatre of insults.

By the time you sink to this level, you will be rated as a top political blogger. You will have an army of followers on social media and become a celebrity without bothering to change your accent, pretend to be rich or acquiring a fake behind.

The people I'm talking about are on both sides of the political divide. Both in jubilee and the Orange Democratic Movement, with a few strugglers in briefcase political parties who amusingly only speak to themselves, so inconsequential that their insults fall flat like a fart in the wind.

Sadly, the handshake is threatening this career and the conflicted souls are struggling for survival. Leaders they hitherto battered with insults are now bosom buddies with their bosses.

A cursory glance on social media tells it all. Those who made abusing Raila Odinga a sport have nothing to post. Their colleagues in ODM are not better off either.

President Uhuru Kenyatta whom they turned into a punching bag has suddenly become a darling after he and Raila buried the political hatchet.

They've now trained their guns on deputy president William Ruto. The DP is now the one on the receiving end.

I don't want to be accused of harshly judging the so called political bloggers. These are nothing but confused elements. They've no opinion of their own.

They depend on their political gods to reason for them. Take an example of the fuel tax. Even though it was opposed by majority of Kenyans, majority of the so called political political bloggers stormed social media and offered unflinching support to the Bill.

Because they were ordered to do so. Never mind they're at the lowest of the social ladders.

If a political blogger is ordered by his political god to skin his or mother, the old lady is toast.

November is the hustle month and we are all about youngins making their money, and we need your help. Do you know of any young person in school/campus who is running a hustle that absolutely deserves to be celebrated? Drop us an email on: [email protected]