The first time I watched blue movies was way back when I was in class 8 when we sneaked with my friends to a local video hall. I had never experienced it. Having been raised in strict Christian background I vowed to my 13-year-old self never to go back to watching blue movies. That night and for several weeks I was haunted as the pictures from the blue movies kept playing in my mind.
In high school, I was an active CU member. In fact, I was appointed as CU chairman in form two.
But towards the end of form two, I would see people on Saturdays watching movies in our TV hall. One night I had stayed behind to read, so as I left the hall to dormitories at around 1 am, I saw that TV was still. When I peeped to see what they were watching, right on my face as pornographic movies.
I quickly walked away. Here’s the problem I could not stop thinking about it. I finally yielded to the pressure. I was so eager for the weekends. But since I was a CU chairman and I had a character to uphold I had to be clever.
So I would sneak up to the window and feed my mind with the images. It’s dark, it's late, I’m wondering what if the askari comes and find me hanging on the window.
My grades went low and my concentration in class fizzled out.
During holidays, that became the trend. I remember one time in form three my friend and I were accidentally locked inside the computer lab. To me that was it! The whole night I was hopping from one website to the other.
I cleared my high school, and thank God my grades were good by my standards!
After doing a course in shipping management, I got a job in a company in Mombasa. At that time, I could not help it. I was a slave of pornography.
Here’s the twist, back at home I was appointed as the youth leader in our local church. I lead church services, I talked with them, but inside I was a mess.
In my first job, there was nothing else that I was doing on my desk besides watching pornography. It did not help that they had pretty fast internet. I would quickly finish my work to get back to my hobby.
That job lasted for only four months after a big blunder that cost the company a fortune. This was after hours of watching sexual material.
My self-esteem was really low, I couldn’t even get a girlfriend because in my mind I thought they would know what I was doing in secret.
In my second job, same thing, same behaviour. In fact, it moved from bad to worse. I had started having severe headaches at this time. I would keep taking painkillers. I started getting hallucinations.
When someone was talking to me, I’d blankly be staring at empty space. Then I would scream, to chase away pictures. This happened a lot of time.
But in 2013, my sister’s epileptic condition had gotten worse as well.
I turned prayers, but every time I would backslide back to my vice. There’s a time I watched pornography for over 8 hours. Obviously masturbating in the bathroom, feeling bad and still going back to it. I was chained.
Every time I watched pornography, I would masturbate: seeking self-satisfaction
That really affected me, I would be weak, feeling guilty, self-shame and clearly, my self-esteem was at low.
You see, I couldn’t open up to anyone for fear of being judged.
I remember my prayer on this particular day. I asked God to exchange my addiction with bhang.
I had friends who were addicted to the substance, and they looked happy! I was stressed. Perhaps it would calm me down.
On that day I think I was at the end of the road. My phone was the first victim and a voice told me that I had to share my story.
The following weekend we had a youth kesha in my local church and was by default the MC. Funny thing is that the church was unusually full. So I asked if anyone had something to share. No one was standing. Silence
I found myself telling the congregation that I had something to share.
There was pin-drop silence as I narrated my story. I detailed my account in an intense one-hour long narration. You could hear paper drop. “What’s he talking about” their eyes seemed to ask me
After an hour of sharing. “I have a feeling God has begun the healing journey with me, I don’t know how many of us would like to begin this journey with me,” I asked.
Even my closest friends did not come close to me. I was like the plague. They started judging me, they did not want to be associated with porn guy.
I lived with that stigma for a couple of months standing up to the rebuke of telling my story.
But a certain pastor in Mombasa helped me with advice in series of meetings. I was in a journey back to recovery.
But on my end, the struggle had just begun and it was not easy. Sometimes I could share my story, and still, watch the videos at night.
Enough was enough.
I met a guy from Teens Development Initiative that ran counselling in high school. They decided to include me as part of their team. We did over 60 schools with storytelling taking centre stage.
Without realizing it, that period had helped me heal. I had stopped watching pornographic material.
My life had been crowded by either the teen initiative or epilepsy awareness events.
I tell my story to encourage people that it’s possible to unchain from difficult vices. Refocus your mind to less harmful things.
I would later be appointed as a board member at National Epilepsy Coordination board for my efforts in creating awareness and reaching out to the affected.
Seeking help for my sister really helped me evade the vice that was eating me up.