Time flies. In January 2020, many of us sat down and drew up a list of things we wanted to accomplish. Before you could blink, 12 months had flown by, but hey, our dreams are still valid. So, here are New Year’s resolutions you (maybe) won’t accomplish.
1. I will tithe, God willing
Isn’t it very painful to pay 10 per cent, of the Sh250k you made off a deal, to a prosperity gospel preacher who wears a shiny suit, has no known theological qualifications, but drives a fuel guzzler? Many who promise to tithe rarely do... and when they do, it’s never 10 per cent.
2. I will get married
To all singles who left their partners to search for ‘spouse material’ in 2020, you have one weekend left. The reason why you will not get married in 2021 is simply because you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
3. I will join a choir
Some people love choir music so much it’s all they play on YouTube all day. But the resolution to join a choir in 2021 won’t be easy in the face of chasing that corner office on the back of mounting bills.
4. Haki ya Mungu, nimeacha pombe!
Such resolutions are only made when a man is broke or when a killer hangover forces them to ‘lie in state’ the whole day. The only place you will leave alcohol is in a bar! Alcohol is not breast milk to be ‘weaned’ off in such circumstances.
5.I will get rid of this kitambi
There is no fast way to get rid of a potbelly. If it took you two years of dedicated excessive consumption of meat and beer, why do you think it will take you two weeks to get rid of the fat padding your midsection? Brothers and sisters, that kitambi is a fixed asset. Getting rid of it will take sheer willpower.
6. Nyam chom? Not again
When a close family member dies of a lifestyle disease, we all decide to live healthily. We swear to avoid red meat, eggs and processed foods. The charade only lasts a few weeks when we become part-time rabbits, nibbling at vegetation with the zeal of a khat addict!
7. No more mpango
Kenyans love most things illicit and most are only faithful when the Mrs is next to them. But threats of divorce (or facing wazee) have seen men walk the straight and narrow. Then even before Easter, the crazing for a side mattress strikes again!
8. Clear that masters
A colleague has been doing his MBA for five years. Every time he’s bypassed for promotion, he pays the first semester’s fees in instalments. The dedication to get the coveted second degree fizzles out after a few months. Many will still be completing their MAs by the next elections.
9. I will save, start a biz
With the rising cost of living and stagnant income, saving has even become harder and will be much harder in 2021. Trust me. Others will be attempting to save and start a business for another stream of income. Problem is, nobody wants to work!
10. I will spend time with family
Some men spend more time with alcohol than with their children. Their excuse to mama watoto is that they are out hustling. Yet putting in five hours every night at the bar isn’t hustling, but spending. And 2021 might not be any different!