[Photo: Courtesy]

A cousin of mine recently confessed to me that he and his wife hadn’t been intimate for a whole year now. We aren’t talking about an old tired couple who, with one erection comes a stroke, low blood pressure, and all those old-age disease whatnots.

Naah, this is a couple both in their late 20s and their marriage is barely two years old. Just six months into it, the excuses came flowing - headache, cramps, tired - until finally the guy threw in the towel and said screw it!

He won’t ask again. So now they sleep like two homeless strangers on a bus station floor! Woman, if you just wanted a platonic man to have around, you should have simply hired a security guard, you know?

By now, you should know that young men marry for sex, and that’s the naked truth. It’s who they are. Or why do you think Jeff Bezos was ready to crash an empire just for a whiff of that moist flesh pie? Sex is such an important component for men in marriage. And if he isn’t asking for it or you aren’t giving it to him, then someone else is.

Read Also:Six reasons why men are delaying marriage

But those in denial would argue that men marry for company, or whatever that nonsense you keep lying to yourselves about. Come on people, company? Really? And you believe that crap?

Why would a man want company from you, a woman who hasn’t yet grasped the simplest concept of football and badgers him to wear fresh underwear every day, when he can hang out with his boys all night long stress-free?

He doesn’t want your silly company; he wants to park into that basement boner-garage for a few minutes and retreat to the corner to fart and snore in peace.

[Photo: Courtesy]

These creatures marry to have nunu at arm’s length without the entire tedious effort of wooing and spending money on dates over and over again. And it’s quite unfair for you to keep it from them after you have conquered that shiny precious possession lighting up your ring finger.

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You cannot expect a hot-blooded man to lie and wake in the same bed as you, where he doesn’t get satisfaction, and still expect him to be faithful at the end of the day. These same people who have erections as alarm clocks? You must be crazy girl! If he wanted to gaze at a shapely creature all day long who wasn’t gonna give him some, he’d have gone to the zoo to watch giraffe behinds instead!

Clearly, marriage was a very bad idea to introduce to humans. We are mammals after all; we are only supposed to have sex when on heat. Hii ingine ni kiherehere tu! That is why biologically, the female bodies produce a distinctive odour during ovulation that attracts men and triggers erections in them as a way of preparing them for mating.

Women were naturally supposed to walk around and when thirst strikes, mate and breed with the most good-looking, sexiest and most physically fit candidate around - not flabby-looking guys, who haven’t moisturized their skins for too long, their bodies have that flaky look, like a posho mill attendants. 

[Photo: Courtesy]

I am pretty sure the men who wrote the rules were either unmarried or had a string of concubines to keep them entertained all year long. But these poor men in modern society suffer those consequences. Our ancestors didn’t predict there will be mischievous wives who get into bed in Kibaki Tena, Tangatanga and other promotional T-shirts, to completely turn off men. Unfortunately, for decent men, they only have that one shot, and when they misfire, it’s begging, blue balls and oiled hands until the Lord calls thine servant to rest. 

Read Also:Why Kenyan men are boycotting marriage

Lifetime commitment is the final card selfish and narcissistic people play. It’s such a cowardly move. With this ring, I thee trap in sexual starvation, that seems to be the gist of marital vows.

It’s like a dog that buries a bone because it doesn’t want anyone else to get to it, but then it won’t even chew it again, so it makes it all pointless really. Let my people be free!

 @sarah_haluwa