Every festive season comes wrapped in thrills that excites all and sundry, from a two-year old to 102-year old guka.
The festive season also comes with goodies like Christmas bonuses, mbuzi parties, shopping vouchers, bash invitations and sealing many friendships over demon drinks.
There are many weddings and an air of camaraderie. But it’s always rosy. Here are 10 reasons why Kenyans hate December festivities:
1. Miss Mboch goes missing
This is the one month when Miss Mboch goes shags to get married to her Bukusu darling, leaving you with brats who are on school holiday but have to be begged to do household chores.
Worst still, come January, you’ll be begging Miss Mboch to return to work. Boy, she will milk your pockets dry with pleading that: “Aki nitumie fare nikuje.”
Then she’ll go ahead to put you down with excuses such as, “Kuna matanga huku, nishatumia fare yenye ulinitumia!”
2. In-house day care centre
“Wacha watoi wangu wakuje wakae na wako wiki mbili,” are requests you’ll get many a times via phone.
Don’t be surprised when you end up accommodating all the children for your clan and turning your house into a drop and pick up point in between draining your food budget.
‘Court sessions,’ especially during night hours , will be unavoidable, since sharing of beds will be the norm and you’ll have to solve bed related cases including, “Mummy huyu ananisukuma kwa ukuta” or “huyu ametukojolea!”
3. Christmas tree manenos
The Christmas tree will be worshipped like a god in your house, with many side shows, including dealing with questions like: “Mummy, mbona hii haiwaki? And dramas like, “Mummy, tree imeanguka!” “Mummy lights zinachoma sana!”
4. Woishe! Tupeleke coast
This festive season, you’ll be pestered mostly by your long-suffering wife and brats demanding to be taken to Mombasa “kuogelea kwa bahari”, yet most go to the beach in jeans and sports shoes.
Others like your girlfriend or mpango don’t know December is high season when transport and accommodation cost an arm and a leg.
5. Mchango wa Krisi
Njeri wa Aunty Mary may add you to a WhatsApp group named ‘Merry Krisi’, where you will be met by requests to changa for the mbuzi ya Krisi and you may be compelled to cater for the transport costs since everyone knows that unafanya kwa serikali.
6. Crazy matatu crew
You may have to dig deep into your pockets to cater for your family’s transport to shags.
With the strict traffic rules, there’ll be no declarations that, “Wewe ni kadogo huwezi lipiwa kiti, utakalia gunia ya viazi!” Gharama itakuwa kwako!
7. Utiaji ya relatives
Relatives in shags will bombard you with all manner of questions, especially if you’re still a bachelor or spinster beyond acceptable age limit.
Yet you promised Aunty wa Ngong last Krisi that you will take your prospective father or mother of your brats to her place.
Aunty wa Ngong will give you lectures and advice including that “wanamke ni kuvumilia!”
8. Cousins wa Nairobi
If you have been stuck in shags since birth, just prepare to see your cousins from the city receive preferential treatment this festive season.
They’ll wear your expensive khaki shorts and leather sandals during outdoor activities. You may have to contend with their twenging and have a bigger problem explaining to them that “huku hatuna Wi-Fi.”
9. Upishi massive
Visits to shags correspond with endless cooking on a three-stone smoky jiko, where your fake nails and Brazilian weaves will suffer as choking and coughing becomes the order of the day for the uninitiated who will end up preparing a worse version of mashakura!
10. Shenanigans from shosh
Woe unto you if your children are skeletons. Genetics could make a concrete excuse for their skinny nature, but not all will buy that ‘excuse,’ especially the grandparents.
You will deal with difficult questions like: “Haulishi wajukuu wangu vizuri? Unawapea stress? Kwani baba yao huwa hatumi pesa?”
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