Lord Jesus, I need the exact whip you used tobeat fools who were doing biashara in the synagogue instead of worshiping Jehovah. But why? I want to whip the 21ST century women who claim to be feminists, tough and ambitiousand still stoop low to a boy (no man can offer this nonsense) who offers comewe stay arrangements!
Yes, women I’m just about to give you a short,tough sermon because we are headed fast in a very dangerous direction! Before Istart, I beg to take you to memory lane. Remember the days when Njeri yoursingle mother sold everything (except her soul) to take you to a prestigiousschool up until the University of Nairobi where you graduated with a Master’sdegree? She prayed each day that your life will be better than hers and thatyou will succeed beyond her imagination - you did. She took you tochurch and even prayed that you don’t get pregnant out of wedlock and thanks toP2, that didn’t happen! So why on earth do you forget all that advice and movein with a boy you barely know? Now pull your stool (you don’t deserve asofa here) as I give you a few reasons as to why you should avoid this rubbish!
1. You are precious: Woman don’t you know that Adam was a firstdraft and Eve was a masterpiece? God designed the woman after he made manbecause we are just so special! Quit offering yourself for free because you areso damn expensive!
2. A man needs a job before getting awoman: I know all the menare loading their guns right now- go ahead and shoot! Adam was given a gardenbefore he was given a woman. So don’t be tempted to house your boy (as Isaid earlier huyo si mwanaume) in the name of love simply because he isbroke! Let him go and hawk sweets in a citihoppa but don’tfeed or even dare to think of housing him!
3. You will age prematurely: Any boy who doesn’t want commitment will get youadmitted to a mental hospital faster than you can pronounce IEBC! He will cheaton you, eat your cash, demand lungula every day and crown thatpackage with two babies and a serious STI! Shindwe!
4. Your mind will retrogress: In short you will become dumb! Mjinga! Iknow you are wondering why; instead of engaging your mind on how you will getto the corner office or buy that kaplot in Syokimau,your mediocre mind will just be thinking of getting his mama the latest vitenges fromGhana in a bid to make him propose. What demon is that?
5. Cheap labor services: Your worth will be on the same level with a mop,a washing machine (you) and a sufuria. You will wash his underwear (which hastoured all counties), clean the house, cook him a five star meal (with yourhard earned cash) and give him babies but this ego centered fool will neverwife you! Save your manicured nails!
6. You deserve a good man: Good men still exist (they are countable inKenya though) and all you need is a little bit of patience as you eat life in abig spoon (read big house).You deserve a man who will worship the ground youwalk on, a man who will honor you and love you like you are the only preciousperson left because guess what- you are!
7. Blood pressure is fatal: It kills, yes I said it. Stop doubting me! Sogirl, please quit all the desperate moves, don’t listen to fools who tell youthat the come we stay will be legal after six months. If hecan’t put his ugly signature on a marriage certificate, run for your life!
8. What God puts together, let no manlay asunder: Sermon can’t end withoutmentioning the author of marriages. God does not bring to you confused breed ofboys. He brings you gentlemen. Gentlemen like Joshua who said ‘as for me and myhouse, we shall serve the lord!’ Gentlemen who will guide you and honor you,gentlemen who will give you cute babies with small noses and great minds likeyours truly. So I shall spare my whipping session for now but please, leavethese boys alone, I beg! Can I get an Amen?