You know, “If they makeyou smile, tell them.”

That’s how I end uptalking to naked chicken in a glass box as I pass by fast food outlets afterexchanging a cheek-to-cheek grin with them. That’s the extent of my little loveaffair with fried edibles from fast food outlets, which also tend to bewallet-friendly.

But I’d never imaginedthat such foods would be blamed by a pal for the scarcity of wife material inthe Kenyan wife market. While shooting the breeze at our famous mbuzipan-fry joint at KBS, because fried substances have admitted usinto the intensive-don’t-care-unit, Okello noted that young ladies these daysdon’t cook and don’t know how-to because of the take-always youcan grab from every corner of the streets.

Flashback to last weekwhen a blood-donation drive in town was combined with a healthy-eating campaignto sensitize people that their gonads might fall off if they ditch avocados.Not exactly that, but that’s the bit I remembered after a handful serving ofpamphlets and a nearly spiritual talk by nutritionists on the grounds.

Considering that myblood type is COFFEE, you’d wonder what on earth I was doing in such ablood-drive but I just wanted to confirm. However, it was boring; like theseFacebook user-experience surveys that keep popping up on my feed. The samebanter of less nyama choma, less alcohol (I'm safe), lessdeep-fries, more greens, more plant proteins specifically made me realizethere’s nothing simple about staying healthy and it irks me. The very fabric ofthe Nairobian male mind is woven in nyama choma and mutura.In fact, just lazily thinking of mutura in bed makes mefall asleep mid-yawn.

While my pal can blamehis girlfriends (and wives for the rest of you) for refusing to cook andgetting most of our vitamins from the daylight, I think there’s an ongoingscam. Today while setting on a concrete bench, a healthy-living-productssales-lady tried to coax me into using nutritional supplements. Shesugar-coated her sermon by asking me to join their network-marketing strategytowards a healthy nation. I nearly joined but I have a church already. I’dheard of such a plan before and it surely has left some of my buddies going incircles like the children of Israel did around Mt. Sinai for 40 years. But, whythese nutritional supplements consumerism? It’s all over.

The poor are dying ofmalnutrition. The middle-class harbor lifestyle diseases in their bodies. I'mthe thin line in-between. It’s funny-strange though how the ballooningmiddle-class engage in unhealthy eating (salted packed foods, deep-fried redmeats, artificially-spiced cuisines) yet supplement with nutritional tablets.Weird, is it? It’s these circles I’m ranting about. Of course I know it’s hard.I once tried grounded Moringa leaves (that green powder thatsmells like a freshly-mown field and tastes like sadness) I’d acquired from anherbalist for a few weeks before I lost interest in my own health.

Talk of my own health, adentist friend nearly scared me into fighting the good fight when he suggestedmy dentures are on a downward spiral. Not literally talking of their shapethough. Well, my whole body may as well be, to the chagrin of health demons.Nevertheless, let’s just conclude that junk from fast food holes is not sogood, outsourced cooked packed foods have ingredients that are still a mysteryand cooking your own meals helps you draw your own healthy-diet curve. Irecently confessed that I love eating but hate cooking. This post is a"let's cook" drive.

Furthermore, eating toomuch cake can make you hairy. I guess due to the raisins. Bananas too. Theysomehow make your body-hair go bananas and scares them out of their follicles.I learnt this from my barber; thanks to the circle of knowledge. And whilebeans might make you yawn frequently from ‘behind’, they make your hair strong.That’s for ladies I guess. Avoid too much processed salts if you don’t want toshed your hair faster than a snake sheds skin. That’s for hairy chests I guess.Fish, remember is good for your brain. That’s why despite my ongoing mentalproblems, I’m fine. All these are readily available raw.

These are nutritionaltips you can trade for tablets because we don’t live in those days when ourancestors woke up to hunt five squirrels, gather amarula fruitand dig out mukombero roots for a day’s energyrequirements. I’d give my left nipple to have lived in those ages. Now, theonly animals huntably available in acity are rats from the city-council bins. However there’s hope. Groundnuts, Ihear will help us procreate like the good book of Genesis commands of us. Thefuture generations will thank us when they look back and refer to us as theirancestors.

About the scarcity ofwife material, I’ll let the pastors and visiting preachers from Nigeria addressthat. "In fact, you do not know how much spice a woman's twirling behindas she rolls chapati on a rolling board into shape in the house as the man iswatching and waiting nearby on the sofa, can add to a relationship." Justquoting a Nigerian movie.

Nevertheless, remember itsfood that makes you fat. So watch out for a piece on weight loss strategies.Meanwhile, this piece has been influenced by a blend of fear and guilt for yourhealth, cock-tailed with a bowl of unconditional love and patriotism.