It is believed that men will always cheat. But women, too, have upped their game and will keep a toyboy or two. Catching a cheating spouse is very easy, but first, you’ll have to break through the security pattern of their phone, get the PIN to unlock it, and eventually thumbprint identification to let you in on his secrets. See? Quite easy! Now all you need to do is decipher how your spouse saves the clande on the phone.
Here are a few tips to help you in your snooping ways:
1. John Plumber
The long-suffering wife has no reason to suspect John the plumber, especially if the hubby is in construction. If only she knew that the ‘plumber’ is actually a nubile college girl whose real name is Joan...! The construction businessman is the one who ‘unclogs’ Joan. But all hell will break loose when John Plumber calls at 2 am when the hubby is asleep, and wife picks the call, only to be greeted with: “Nimefika home sweetie, thanks, na uwache mchezo!”
2. Mike Mechanic
The mechanic is on the speed dial of most owners of the katoyo brand of cars. The mechanic also has a licence to call any time of the night to find out if umefika salama. But to all the naive women out there, Mike could double up as a nyumba ndogo!
3. OCS Rongai
How can a sane wife doubt ‘OCS Rongai’? After all, this is the cop who helped hubby when the government planted Alcoblow on the Nairobi-Magadi road, and he was arrested when you were returning home from a ‘loose mbuzi thing’ at Olepolos Country Club. A wife will also support the idea for mzee to buy nyam chom and copious amounts of booze for the OCS. But surprise, surprise, the ‘OCS’ is actually ‘Olive Chepkemei Some,’ a cute cop whose rent the man pays in Rongai, where she handcuffs the randy hubby to her bed for a kinky session.
4. Prophetess Pastor Wanjiku
Her real name is indeed Wanjiku, but there is nothing spiritual about her relationship with your man, apart from the fact that baba watoto fills her up with alcoholic spirits, then takes him high into her heaven.
5. Mtu Nguyas
Unless wifey is clinically paranoid, how can one even suspect the hubby beds a thing called Mtu Nguyas? Mtu Nguyas happens to be that Manzi Nguyas he left in his old hood and whom he meets for ‘old time’s sake.’
Few men in their right mind can pick father-in-law’s call. Even when dead drunk. But ‘Daddy’ could be your wife’s financier, who works up her ‘spreadsheet.’ Of course, the alarm will be triggered when the man sees Daddy’s text with a not so cryptic message saying: “Meet u sweet thing 2moro @Bikinis Bar 9pm then ni chape isusu!”
The mdosi in the corner office can call any time, day or night. So, ‘CEO calling’ raises no eyebrows, but ‘CEO’ could actually be the ‘other guy’ on the wings just in case ulete nyokonyoko!
8. Morris Taxi
Every city woman has a reliable cab guy for those days she’s stranded. But don’t be surprised if ‘Morris Taxi’ is her favourite makanga on the Buru 58 route who drives her bonkers.
9. Nick Nails Salon
You might not read so much in a call from Nick the salonist. But you better man, for Nick could be your woman’s ex-file who nails her most Sunday afternoons after church, which you don’t attend owing to that small matter of a killer hangover.
10. Kelly Handbags
You won’t suspect the man who supplies her with those trendy outfits now would you? But ‘Kelly Handbags’ also saved under other names like ‘Kevin Viatu’ and ‘Kalvin Dresses’, could be mama’s toyboy (who dresses her) then undresses her during those out of town booty calls, when you are on a business trip.
11. Lawyer Dan
He is probably Duncan from USIU, and the only law he knows is: ‘Don’t call a married a woman between 6pm and 8am.’