With the government’s announcement that free secondary education will be offered beginning 2019, sources have revealed that the date is intended to coincide with the commencement of local paraffin production.

This is because huge amounts of paraffin will be required to keep in check the libido of the increased numbers of teenagers being admitted to secondary schools.

“Rough estimates show that the free secondary education program will only be affordable for the government if the paraffin is local... imported paraffin will just be too expensive,” said the source at the ministry of education.

While the exact amounts of paraffin required for use by the hundreds of thousands of teenagers expected to enroll for free secondary education is not known, business analysts believe it is in the range of thousands of hectolitres per day.

Tenderpreneurs are already lining up and working behind scenes to ensure that they make some cash out of this deal. A senior official said that secondary schools situated close to the oil pipeline will be the first to benefit from the free government-provided paraffin.

“All they will need to do is connect a pipe from the Kenya Pipeline Company infrastructure to their school kitchen,” said another source. “This will be especially useful for mixed secondary schools, since they will obviously be in need of higher doses of paraffin for their students than their single sex secondary school counterparts!”

But, while the success of the free secondary education hinges on locally-produced paraffin, the ministry of education is understood to be working on alternative plans, just in case of a setback.

One of the options they may exercise is importing paraffin from Uganda since oil production next door is scheduled to start way earlier than Kenya. This would rob the country’s teenagers the advantages that are said to be inherent in locally-produced paraffin.

Taming student’s libido

Lab results from samples taken from Northern Kenya show that local paraffin is almost odourless and best in taming libido unlike what the country currently imports from the Middle East or what would be sourced from neighbouring countries.

“Should we use locally-exploited paraffin, students will not be able to detect it in their meals!” said one executive. “Plus... and this is important for the girls secondary schools... local paraffin has been found to be non-fattening!”

Meanwhile, the government’s announcement on secondary school education sent shares of oil companies, currently operating in Northern Kenya, skyrocketing in their home exchanges.

This is because of the huge, ready and guaranteed market for their paraffin which will be distilled from local petroleum sources.

But while free secondary education might be good news for the shareholders of oil companies, executives and other staff at these firms are under increasing pressure to ensure the oil starts being pumped out in earnest.

“Some careers now hinge on the early production of these petroleum resources... heads will roll if this doesn’t materialise,” a source working in the oil industry disclosed.

Regarding the implementation of the free secondary education, sources at the ministry of education disclosed that their senior officials will continue making impromptu visits to schools when the free paraffin program rolls out to ensure that students get decent portions of the paraffin.

“We will ensure students get the recommended does and that the administration does not hide some with the intention of selling it in the black market,” said a source.

But amidst all the speculation, the ministry of education has categorically denied that it plans to force primary schools to lace food meant for teachers — who have been preying on pupils left, right and centre — with paraffin.