Following numerous incidents where teenagers have been found in drinking establishments illegally, police have sent out a plea to parents asking them to allow their teenage children to get tattoos to ease identification.

“We have had a big problem in the past when we arrest drunk minors and take them to police cells and since they have no identification and are too drunk to talk. We are unable to tell who they are, where they come from, how we can contact their parents and so on... but if parents were to allow them to get unique tattoos then identifying them would be easy,” said the senior police officer in charge of Teenage Rebellion Department of the Kenya Police.

The senior police officer insisted that it was a well thought out plan and no one should make fun of it because a police officer’s predicament in the face of a drunk teenager unable to open their mouth, except to vomit, was a serious one.

NO DISCRIMINATION

“You would have to be in our situation to appreciate the gravity of it all. When a teenager has passed out in a club or a police cell and they are lying face down on the floor, depending on what they are wearing, a tattoo on their butt crack or neck is the only thing that can help us identify them...” the police officer said. The officer was also quick to assuage fears of tattooed teenagers being discriminated against in future when they join the job market.

“There’s nothing to worry about. In future everyone will be covered in tattoos from the CEOs to the tea boys and girls,” the officer pointed out.

In the rare situation that a willing teenager cannot afford a tattoo, the senior police officer suggested that the government should consider sponsoring a massive tattooing exercise for those poor teenagers who only have money to spend on alcohol and drugs, but not on tattoos.

ALTERNATIVE TO IDs

“A nation that does not give in to the whims of its youths has no future,” the senior officer wisely reminded Kenyans. “We must get them tattoos and save the police lots of man-hours since we won’t have to wait for hours for them to sober up ... It will also solve the problem of ID cards that millions of them are lacking ... with a tattoo when they come of age they will at least have some form of identification! It’s better than having no ID.”

The senior cop also had alternatives for parents who don’t like the idea of body art.

“At the department of Teenage Rebellion we are suggesting that such parents can try out other options like electronic tagging just like the way we do with elephants to ward off poachers. It kills two birds with one stone; helps us identify them and the parents can keep track of their teen’s movements,” the officer added.

While signing off at a press conference the head of the Teenage Rebellion department of the police force disclosed the squad’s plans for dealing with teenage drinking.

This includes adding more pails and buckets in police cells for teenagers who are just starting to drink to vomit into.

“And as for what they will be doing in our cells, we understand today’s teenagers have no face-to-face communication skills and would rather stare at screens than talk to their cellmates. So we are thinking of installing Wi-Fi in the cells so that they can check their statuses and all that as they wait to be bailed out. It will also help keep our cells clean since they won’t have time to scrawl ‘I was here’ on our walls ...” said the top cop.