Stephen derwent partington

Gold digger, my foot! No woman deserves murder

Gold digger, my foot! No woman deserves murder

By Stephen Derwent Partington 3 years ago

In Kenya, safe driving is entirely optional

In Kenya, safe driving is entirely optional

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

Form 34Bees and the ‘ufala’ of comedy by Kenyans on Twitter

Form 34Bees and the ‘ufala’ of comedy by Kenyans on Twitter

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

This is why we clearly have to make peace with sukuma wiki

This is why we clearly have to make peace with sukuma wiki

The expatriate sits down for what he hopes will be a fine dinner cooked by his househelp. Course one: kale salad. Course two: kale soup. Main course: kale with kale. Pudding: kale cake!

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

Fine music? Kenyans would rather dance to ‘Kamatia Chini’

Fine music? Kenyans would rather dance to ‘Kamatia Chini’

Kenyans would rather listen to their own death-cries than the compositions of Byrd, Tallis or Palestrina

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

To all visitors at my house, my door my rules!

To all visitors at my house, my door my rules!

In the expatriate’s home culture, the host takes priority over the guest; in Kenya, the guest takes priority over the host

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

The irony of Kenya’s ‘uniting’ national anthem

The irony of Kenya’s ‘uniting’ national anthem

In Kenya, these symbols are everywhere, from school parades to cinemas. To the expatriate, it still feels ‘new’

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

It’s not worth losing your life over elections

It’s not worth losing your life over elections

I’ve never quite understood why we insist on looting specifically Indian supermarkets

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

Let's talk education: Kenya's 'corporate schooling'

Let's talk education: Kenya's 'corporate schooling'

Both schools as institutions and the shaping of Kenya's curriculum seems to be edging ever further towards private sector engrossment

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

Can’t wait to munch Chinese food on SGR

Can’t wait to munch Chinese food on SGR

We can assume that it wasn’t the whiteys who died of overwork, as many of the photographs show them sitting in tents, being fanned and drinking tea

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

An expatriate’s tummy never rumbles

An expatriate’s tummy never rumbles

For the expatriate, privation and suffering means not being able to buy crates of fine wine, but only one.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 4 years ago

Expatriates running out of excuses

Expatriates running out of excuses

The EuroAmerican expatriate in Kenya has a stereotypical view of Kenya as the land of 'One, Two, Three', or 'O.T.T.'

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

To bet or not to bet, that’s not the question

To bet or not to bet, that’s not the question

Betting, and indeed all forms of gambling are, for the expat, risky and pointless.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Catastrophic: Mzungu poor imitation of ‘kitu kidogo’

Catastrophic: Mzungu poor imitation of ‘kitu kidogo’

They’ll try a couple of words of Kiswahili that their genuine expatriate hosts have taught them and might even wave around a photocopy of some other expatriate’s ‘Alien ID Card’

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Those who play dirty win party nomination tickets

Those who play dirty win party nomination tickets

When it seems as if the nomination might not come their way, they kidnap their opponents, even though they’re supposedly in the same party

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

The ‘shuka’ makes no sense to mzungu

The ‘shuka’ makes no sense to mzungu

You’ll see him strolling down the city streets, rain pummelling his stupid face as he uses only his long nose as an umbrella

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

There’s no place like Kenyan home for mzungu

There’s no place like Kenyan home for mzungu

The reflective expatriate starts to realise, on returning home, that his own country isn’t quite as good as he once believed it was

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Kenyans, why the 10,000 chairs at a ‘function’?

Kenyans, why the 10,000 chairs at a ‘function’?

Kenyan functions are vast, often occur in the rural areas, and are attended by every member of the village, even if they've not been explicitly invited

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

If you can’t discipline kids, then don’t have them!

If you can’t discipline kids, then don’t have them!

The Kenyan approach is to ignore children and when some terrible misbehaviour occurs, beat them to death or completely forgive them

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Striking is not just about 800 per cent pay rise

Striking is not just about 800 per cent pay rise

If eventually paid well from public coffers, all the labourer’s labour should happen in the public sector, he should not break the unionist code by moonlighting for the private sector

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

‘Fagging hell’ in national schools

‘Fagging hell’ in national schools

It appears that national schools are really a national disgrace, and probably a profound danger to our children

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Drought diaries: We’ve been making asses of ourselves for donkey’s years

Drought diaries: We’ve been making asses of ourselves for donkey’s years

Many donkeys, especially those in Naivasha, fondly dream of the day they'll be kidnapped and turned into 'beef' samosas!

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

The expat is jealous of Kenyans’ work ethic

The expat is jealous of Kenyans’ work ethic

Breaks and lunches are fluid affairs (in ALL senses of that word), and sometime after the official lunchtime is over, your lunchmate might shortly leave for the day

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Seems like healthcare is just for the rich

Seems like healthcare is just for the rich

The Kenyan solution to health problems seems to be to protect the already rich private providers. Possibly, politicians believe that health, like a drip-feed, can trickle down to the poor.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random Blues: What waste disposal, that's rubbish

Random Blues: What waste disposal, that's rubbish

In Kenya, recycling means allowing rubbish to come back over and over again.The Kenyan ‘solution’ to this menace is not to prevent the problem, but rather it is to superficially sweep up the rubbish before the tourist awakes.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Raising money for weddings is a con game

Raising money for weddings is a con game

The bride's grandmother demands all the sugar that passes through Mumias, and the parents demand 157 goats, 225 cows and the sweat of a virginal unicorn!

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Election year is time for selection fear

Election year is time for selection fear

Once blood is shed and we realise that indeed our red blood is the same colour as that of people from supposedly ‘other communities,’ it’s often too late to put it back where it belongs, into a living, valuable body.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Thank God the holidays are over

Thank God the holidays are over

School holidays are a tricky business.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

It’s the same back-to-school madness

It’s the same back-to-school madness

January is upon us, and middle-class Kenyans across the republic are choosing where to send their children to school for the next year of suffering and spoon-feeding

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

The idea of Santa Claus in Kenya is racist

The idea of Santa Claus in Kenya is racist

There is a terrible racism in Santa

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: Why the expat hates ‘going out’

Random blues: Why the expat hates ‘going out’

he expatriate is a calm, rather dull type who prefers the company of a couple of people he knows, a warm glass of mulled wine and a book about snowmen.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: The beers,intrigues and joy of end of year team-building

Random blues: The beers,intrigues and joy of end of year team-building

During this journey, the first three hours will happen in total silence, but things soon loosen up when an extrovert staff member reveals that he’s smuggled countless bottles of Moonwalker onto the bus.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: No bloody boda boda for the expat, thanks

Random blues: No bloody boda boda for the expat, thanks

The expatriate fully respects other forms of transport.Apart from motorbikes.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: Shamba? Rain for gardening

Random blues: Shamba? Rain for gardening

As the rainy season begins, Kenyans plant.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: What allergies? Allergies, my big foot!

Random blues: What allergies? Allergies, my big foot!

‘I can’t take milk’. Diana looked at him as if he’d not arrived by British Airways, but by spaceship.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Redscar scandal: Plagiarism mirrors the corruption in Kenya

Redscar scandal: Plagiarism mirrors the corruption in Kenya

However, a quality magazine that published one of ‘his’ poems caught him out after readers complained that it was plagiarised, copied virtually wholesale from the work of another, Zanzooba Magdoos.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: Halloween? People would rather eat the darn pumpkins here!

Random blues: Halloween? People would rather eat the darn pumpkins here!

I’m writing this before Halloween, and I already have my pumpkin sitting happily in my kitchen. Unless my maid accidentally cooks and eats it like she did in 2014

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Arts lounge: A song too can be high literature

Arts lounge: A song too can be high literature

Simply put, popular song is as valid a cultural pursuit as Modernist poetry or ‘literary’ novels.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: May the real Trump please stand up

Random blues: May the real Trump please stand up

At the moment, the American expatriate feels shame. His response to that shame is to hit back at anyone who dares to point out the genuine reasons for it.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

Random blues: What’s with that ridiculous camera?

Random blues: What’s with that ridiculous camera?

Before arriving in Kenya, he bought himself a new camera. A huge one, with a tripod stand, multiple lenses and a sensational range of buttons that he didn’t understand.

By Stephen Derwent Partington 5 years ago

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