In our African democracies, a manifesto is often one of the last things we look at when vetting our leaders. In Gitegi, it is not a thing we consider. Not until recently when the third horse in the race, yours truly, came up with a most interesting manifesto, which even to my people, has been hard to ignore.
Harold has told us he will maintain the status quo once elected and we should not be worried as corruption, which is very much part of us, will be maintained. He has also promised all bars will be barred from throwing out customers who want to pay on credit. This was after he was denied a chance to pay using airtime I bought him.
Sue wants to ban the cassock, which is Harold’s trademark outfit. She also wants to fight to see Valentine’s Day moved to her birthday and to have me as her chief political adviser, a role I have been doing secretly and which is one of the reasons Harold gets a free beer from her.
But here comes the third candidate, who has always been the third horse, with a super manifesto everyone is going to like. He is advocating for the youth to lead, asking, “How can the old run the government? They can only walk, or, at best, jog it!”
That is not the most interesting part.
The third horse also wants to make it mandatory to grow weeds and also keep houseflies, which are commercially viable.
You may ask why a candidate is recommending the cultivation of something everyone else is uprooting. But I have discovered that by competing for nutrients and sunlight with crops, weeds make our crops more competitive, and, by extension, we become competitive beings after eating such crops; after all, you are what you eat. They are also used as animal feeds and, because I am the GOAT, I have to protect the interests of many like myself.
The houseflies issue is one of the many reasons people will vote for me. There is nothing more enchanting than having something we all easily own, but now for commercial purposes.
Gitegi is full of houseflies. It is no rocket science that once you have houses, you will have houseflies. And while we coexist with them, we are unable to use them for our benefit.
“Our commercially grown houseflies will make sure all the unwanted visitors to our village will no longer come here. And especially when we have public events,” part of my manifesto reads.
Last year, we held a party to honour the return of kumi kumi, a local brew that is responsible for many broken marriages. But so many uninvited guests joined us, ultimately ruining our celebrations. They came from neighbouring villages and ate all our food. Apart from those who were too full to leave immediately, who we walloped properly, the rest escaped with food they did not deserve.
The houseflies will also ensure our many creditors are kept away from the village, now that they will be unable to sit with us. To cultivate the flies, we have to make the place filthy, and for some like Sue, who are filthy rich, or so they claim, it is going to be easy.
As a suave businessperson, I intend to open a hatchery for insects. This will ensure I can supply the village. The hatchery will be closed when I will be conducting my next campaigns to convince people houseflies are bad for the ecosystem. I will then open a fly swat manufacturing company.
You are lucky I leaked this information to you, but now you can campaign wisely.