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Bunge Chronicles: Hustler prezzo address leaves many wahesh asking for more

President William Ruto's motorcade arrive at Parliament during the opening of the 13th Parliament on September 29, 2022. [Elvis Ogina, Standard]

President William Ruto, Dr Hustler himuselefu, showed up bright and early in Bunge on Thursday to give waheshimiwa his maiden speech.

Contrary to public expectation, he did not arrive aboard a wheelbarrow, but on a limousine that could possibly dry up our Turkana oilfields in one filling.

To remedy that, however, he had a version of "watu wa boda boda" announce his entry. Being fancier, they did not do the announcing by sounding their boda boda horns or blowing whistles, as our regular boda guys are known to do, but with sirens that are sure to startle even the dead.

Who knows how the dead would respond if startled? Good thing not that many people are buried around Bunge. And besides, the only one buried there is probably used to the sound.

Bwana Hustler's face shone as bright as his yellow tie as he emerged from his vehicle to receive handshakes and salutes. His face betrayed what much of the country suspects - Hustler is yet to come to terms with the fact that he is President.

In Brother Francis Atwoli's parlance, he is yet to "soea hiyo sauti." A guard of honour, Hustler's first, would help clear some of his doubt.

After humming the National and East African anthems, Hustler hopped off the presidential platform to have a closer look at our officers, to check if their boots had been polished spotless.

Like his predecessors who had given up any attempts at marching, Hustler did not even try. He opted for a bounce, famous among hip-hop stars, instead. In his suit, he bounced past the men and women of the Moi Airbase as a military band played some music Hustler must have heard from a neighbour's radio as a bare-footed kid in Sugoi.

His teeth were dying to see the world as Hustler struggled not to smile. But unlike that moment in a London bus, when the president showed how bright a smile he possesses, he would win the battle against his emotions, instead wearing a closed-mouth smile that his handlers probably advised looked more presidential.

Before long, Hustler was inside the chamber, addressing the record holders of the world's greatest appetite - the wahesh. The brightness on his face diffused to his listeners, some of them listening with their mouths agape. Many more had their mouths open, but it was the natural result of their deep sleep.

And Hustler knew just what to tell them to earn the standing ovation he got at the end of his speech. "The people love you," he said in not so many words, promising that CDF was going nowhere. The wahesh loved it and later lined up, scrambling to shake his hand in gratitude.