Finally, I share a moment with mother-in-law

By Mami Kamami

As we sat with my mum-in-law sipping hot tea and watching the rain fall outside, I almost regretted the two wasted years we had drifted along like two polite strangers. This last week she had been such a joy to have around the house, even Patty looked transformed.

She was gently swinging a dozing Kamami on her lap with this serene look in her face. The doctor had seen her and treated her for her achy aging knees and though she was ready to go back home, I had insisted she stay a little longer.

"You should not have me here very long," she said smiling.

"My husband needs me. It can get very lonely at the farm with him all alone."

"But Charles and Edwin are there with their families. That’s quite a pack to keep him company," I protested.

Charles was his first-born and he was married to Christine. Edwin the second born was married to Roselyn.

"Those ones," she muttered. "They never have much time for an old man. It happens with all children.’ Then she changed her tone and turned to look at me.

"Mum, build your relationship with your husband, even before that with your children. Children grow up and move on with their lives and forget all about the years you invested in them. Let Patty always come first in your life. When everyone has left the nest, you will be grateful you nurtured a strong relationship with your husband. He will be all you have," she told me.

Vital lessons

"But mum," I protested again.

"I will always have my husband with me. Kamami on the other hand will be gone in a short while. They grow up so fast, you know that. First it’s school, then a career, then a man and then her family. Shouldn’t I give her more of my time now? She is the vulnerable one, and anyway, she will always be my daughter. If Patty decided to walk away right now, I wouldn’t be able to stop him yet I will have invested my entire life in him. That would be shattering."

She smiled curiously, as if I had said a stupid thing. "My daughter, the best gift you can give your children –– and I hope their will be many more after Kamami –– is to have a good relationship with their father. Children can sense when there is love between their parents. And that gives them the wings to grow and fly. I know all the rubbish that young women are being told nowadays about not investing everything into a man, about building your career above your family, and about keeping some money on the side in case things go wrong. Such advice has its place, but it is in the minority of cases. A woman’s first allegiance should be to her family, to her husband. You can never be happier any other way. And I am telling you this from experience," she said.

Shaping a legacy

She placed her hand on mine, as if beseeching me to listen and follow her advice.

I smiled back and pushed: "Whose experience mum, your own?"

"Yes, my own. I have had my own success in the professional arena. You will not believe it but in my days I was someone to reckon with in the Ministry of Agriculture. But when I look back, my greatest joy comes from my husband and my family. I love seeing you and Patty, Edith and Charles, Edwin and Roselyn and Christine, happy. That’s my legacy. At my age, you will want the same."