OPINION: Prioritise fulfilling intimacy in 2025

Prioritise fulfilling intimacy in 2025 (Photo: iStock)

New year, new vibes, it’s your girl, Thee Anyango, stepping into 2025 with you. This feels like the honeymoon phase of a fresh relationship—sweet, exciting, and all-consuming. You know, the kind where your bae feels like the centre of the universe, and maybe, just maybe, the world could clear out and leave it to just the two of you. Too early to call it, though—so let’s savour every moment while it lasts!

I’m beyond excited to take over this column and share my thoughts with you. As a small, slender 20-something, I’m here to guide you through the year with my unsolicited opinions and advice on just about everything — from things you might need to things you probably don’t. But let’s be honest, this one’s mainly for my fellow 20-somethings.

We’re sexually active, we’re figuring life out, and we’ve got plenty to talk about. Let’s dive in, shall we?

While you’re out there setting all kinds of ambitious goals for the year – hitting the gym, eating healthier, cutting off toxic exes, and decluttering your life to lying to yourself, I’m here with a crucial request. For your sake, mine and for the sake of your sexual well-being: Please, Do Not Have Bad Sex This Year.

I know it’s only January, but some of you have already fallen victim to your sexual cravings. Maybe you’ve already given in to a fleeting moment of passion, or perhaps you’ve been swiping through dating apps, desperately seeking a connection that won’t leave you heartbroken like last year’s filings.

Bad sex is a plague we must all avoid, reasonable orgasms are the way to go.

Let’s be real, some of you might already be nursing regrets about your first intimate encounter of 2025. Despite all the “New Year, New Me” mantras flooding your social feeds, reality hit hard with an experience that landed somewhere between underwhelming and downright disappointing.

The warning signs were there, flashing like neon billboards along Nairobi streets, but you still chose to ignore them. From the excessive sweet nothings, to the obnoxious Abebos, that raised more red flags than a parade, to the drastically oversold abilities that fell embarrassingly short. Literally!

There was the cringe-worthy attempt at intimacy that felt more like an awkward dental appointment, yeah they used their teeth instead of their tongue, and the complete disregard for any guidance or preferences shared that came with excessive sweating and the hard breathing… It is more than ugly.

Like a self-appointed star performer who missed every cue, they claimed centre stage only to deliver a one-note performance - think hippo meets sloth. Disaster!

Let’s face it - subpar intimacy doesn’t just disappoint in the moment; it can shake your confidence and leave you stressed.

Turns out, new year, new me still comes with the same old seconds and uninspired moves. Tumechoka!

And I get it – I truly do. But here’s the thing: I forgive you. You’ve made your mistake, but now let’s move forward with a resolution that will serve us all better in the long run: No more bad sex.

Bad sex is like that toxic ex you can’t seem to shake off – it’s something you should actively avoid.

Treat it the same way Kasongo treats the truth, the same way Kenyan men lie right to your face and gaslight you at the thought of you knowing they are liars! Treat it the same way you’d dodge unnecessary drama.

This year, we’re hitting the reset button. For many of us, it’s back to square one when it comes to body counts.

If you’ve already “gone there” and didn’t exactly enjoy the ride, that’s okay – now is the time to set a higher standard for what you allow into your life.

So, as we cruise through the month, don’t settle for bad sex. You deserve better and your vajayjay will thank you for it.

I am celibate, and haven’t touched anyone’s son this year!