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Dear absent Fathers: It's not about you

Lady Speak

Today I want to step out of my comfort zone and talk about an issue I hold close to my heart- parental absenteeism. Yes, both women and men abandon their kids but it mostly happens with men. Absenteeism is like a scale- most times people think if they haven’t abandoned the kid but provide for them financially or just buy them gifts once in a while, they’re not an absent father. Please go watch Bad Dad Rehab with an open spirit and change your ways.

The reason this issue is quite personal for me is because I did not grow up with my own father, so I’ve experienced first-hand the effects that this has on the child. First of all, I strongly believe that children need both parents in their lives. There are certain things that only your parents can teach you, as the saying goes “Asiyefunzwa na mamaye, hufunzwa na ulimwengu.” Men, let me tell you that if you’re not around to help teach your sons and daughters the basics of life, the world is going to teach them, and this world is not kind. Your baby mama can only do so much. Yes, it may look like she’s handling everything just fine but you also need to be there.

Second of all, it’s really not about you. I think a huge contributor to men walking out of their kids’ lives is due to irreconcilable differences with the baby mama. I am here today to tell you that it is not about you. You may be a jerk or your baby mama might be the spawn of Satan but you need to be the bigger person and realize that this child is not involved in your shenanigans. This child should always be at the center of your thoughts. Sure, it might be such a huge headache having to schedule visits or plan a budget with your child’s mother, but endure that headache. Your child will come to appreciate your maturity as he or she grows up.

What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?

Third, don’t treat them like a trophy. This is a huge problem I had with my own father. He was never around, never paid any school fees or contributes to my upkeep. Yet he would always introduce me to his friends and proudly proclaim that I am his first born, mention how I’m in a national school or have gotten a scholarship. It really baffled me. Yes, dad, thank you for acknowledging my presence but if I was not so smart, a D-student and at an unrecognizable uni, would you still boast about me to your friends like that? What this does is make your child feel like you only love or care about them when they’re doing well. The problem with this is should your child ever go through a tough situation; they might be too embarrassed or unwilling to share it with you as they have associated the degree of your love to the degree of their success.

Finally, and I believe this is the most important one; just because you cannot financially provide, doesn’t mean you have failed as a father. We all go through moments when the bank account is drier than the Sahara, it’s life –but don’t use that as an excuse to stay out of your child’s life. Men, we know you are human beings and not money bags whose sole purpose is to dispense cash when its needed. You have gone through situations that have taught you life lessons which you can pass on to your kid. Take them or pick them up from school occasionally. Watch cartoons with them or go outside and teach them how to ride a bike. Even helping them with their homework from Sunday School. The list is endless of ways you can be present in your child’s life even if you’re not their financial support.

Always remember that you had a responsibility when bringing that child into this world and that child did not ask to be born. Do the ethical thing and give them as wholesome a life as you can possibly provide.

Kenyan Mwananchi is a blogger at (https://wondalandavenue.blogspot.co.ke/) and enjoys long drives through neighborhoods she can’t afford to live in. 

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