We hate to see our children struggle, whether they are buttoning a coat, doing a math problem or failing to pay their rent on time. So we rush in and help, lest our offspring make a mistake and ruin their life forever. But GARDY CHACHA asks, are we helping them or making things worse?

It is Sunday morning and your mother has just readied your five-year-old self for church. You are wearing your ‘Sunday best’, your face has a glossy shine from the generous application of Susana Pomade, and your hair has received its once-a-week brushing. The last thing Mum wants is any tampering with her handiwork. Even a pinhole smudge on the sleeve would be enough to set her off.

“If you dare get yourself dirty, I will work on your behind and you might never sit again!”

If you are wise, you do not move a muscle until it is time to leave, lest you accidentally spill something on yourself, or rip something.

Our parents did not tolerate mistakes. Even today, most standard disciplinary procedures among Kenyan parents decree that nothing goes unpunished; nothing goes unnoticed; nothing is given a margin of error. Everything is monitored.

Safe lane

This scenario, christened ‘over-parenting’, has been explained by Dr Judith Locke of Queensland University of Technology, Australia, in her paper Examination by parenting professionals of the concept of over parenting.

Locke says that parents tend to cushion their children from mistakes. They closely monitor every step of a child’s growth, do everything possible to prevent them from doing something deemed harmful, and keep them tightly on the ‘right and safe’ lane.

Another sociologist, Dr Peggy Drexler, author, research psychologist, and gender expert in the United States, hypothesises that the overprotect-instinct in parents is “either because it’s easier or because we hate to see them struggle; we rush in quickly to help our child figure something out, whether it’s zipping her own coat or pouring her own glass of juice.”

Protecting children from mistakes and denying them their right to ‘failure’ is akin to restricting their general wellbeing, according to one parent, Patricia Kimani.

She says that when a child is always prevented from making wrong decisions, they might never achieve self-actualisation; where they understand human dynamics and the rules of life as part of nature. This tendency is likely to yank away that child’s ability to grow into a well-rounded human who can run his or her own life.

Gentle correction

“I wouldn’t advocate for parents to be too hard on their children. I remember that as a child, I would make small unintentional mistakes and be punished for them. Sometimes, I think to myself that had I been my parent, I would have probably handled it differently.

“The secret is to correct those mistakes with love — making the child understand that every wrong has certain repercussions. Some things children do don’t even need a parent’s attention,” explains Patricia.

Experience is, most times, the best teacher, she says. When a child makes a mistake and is afterwards pained by the results, they understand what they did wrong even better. This is the policy she applies in the raising of her four children, who range in age from early 20s to eight.

Her sentiments are echoed by Anne Muiruri, a mother of two teenagers. Anne suggests that however much parents feel obliged to cover the negatives for their child, it will always be good to tread carefully so that it does not backfire.

“Sheltering a child from rain will keep them from contracting cold, but does it mean that you have done them good? How will they know that it is rain and that when you play in it you might get sick? What of the day it pours heavily and you aren’t around to salvage the situation?” Anne analogises.

Human nature

Pastor Julius Wainaina of International Christian Church advises that parents, even in their noble undertaking as stewards of their child’s life, should take into consideration the fact that children are just as human as their parents.

The same way parents make certain mistakes, children, too, go wrong sometimes, but they can be returned onto the right path with proper direction.

The pastor, a father to two sons aged 18 and 12, further explains that this is not a call to let children lead a carefree life intertwined with mistakes, but rather to let them try doing things using the creativity they have amassed, so long as there is no grievous harm involved. Correct the mistakes afterwards.

Failing safely

“Our responsibility is to keep them unharmed. That doesn’t mean shielding them from all possibility of defeat. It means letting them fail safely so that the next time they get it right, they’ll have a reason to smile,” Julius advises.

Prof Philomena Ndambuki, a child educational psychologist, describes children as “very inquisitive creatures” with the greatest desire to know more: “They will do outrageous things — which are not necessarily courageous — so that they can find out what dust tastes like, why a sharp knife cuts well, why it is not safe to walk barefoot, why it is not right to wander around in the darkness...”

Philomena stresses that through failure and mistakes, children are able to learn better ways of accomplishing tasks and enjoying life. She points out that a child who is cushioned from experiencing either failure or mistakes might find themselves stymied and unable to perform on their own. They are ill-prepared to rise to the occasion when they need to jump right into action either to save themselves or improve survival abilities.

American family psychologist Randy Cale captures the need to cut down on over-parenting through this advice in his blog: “What’s your job as a parent? If you answered ‘To protect my child’, then your parenting style is likely to be fear-based. You will only create anxiety in the child without objectively helping them to grow in knowledge.”