By Ted Malanda

I am totally at a loss at the way those burdened by extra layers of fat beat themselves. I understand that you had a traumatising childhood, and kids can be a mean lot. They probably mentioned your name in the same breath as balls, elephants, whales and hippos. Boys passed you over during your high school days like a Jewish holiday. I get it.

Google

Though I still think corpulence is not a disease, it is a condition. It might be caused by a thyroid malfunction or something about your BMI mathematics not adding up to your taste.

That said, being fat is not an excuse to take people on a guilt trip and make others pay for your fare while at it. Our heavier brothers do not have much of a problem, because according to my friend Google, the ratio of ladies to men is 4:1. So there is always someone for every man — skinny or weighty. Numbers do not lie.

Ridiculous

So it will be easy for them to work out in the gym the whole afternoon, trying to achieve the Mandingo standards of male machismo, only to treat themselves that evening to Paul’s Cookieman’s delicious pastries for good work well done.  

The ladies, on the other hand, have to suffer the Augean task of shedding off their extra baggage, because some Italian Soap Opera actress suffering from an eating disorder told her that she is not beautiful. Those who fail to meet these completely ridiculous standards of pulchritude, channel their anger and frustration to the whole world; they make everyone feel responsible for their portliness. 

Unsightly

All of a sudden, they act like they are a minority group that deserves a special seat in Parliament. Who ever said that being heavy is synonymous to being unsightly? If you do not like the person you see in the mirror, change it. Get a gym subscription, walk in the evening, eat broccoli, and for Christ’s sake, do not use the elevator if you are only going to the second floor. That way, the scrawny people will not have anyone to blame when they fart in the lift.

Being a Rubenesque woman has always been an African phenomenon and pride. Think of the socialite Vera Sidika, who rose to fame from attending high-end parties, and appearing on music videos all because of her sexy curves. So please, stop whining because, sweetheart, the Constitution will not be amended just for you.

Editor’s note: Ted Malanda’s column resumes next week.