To hell with banks, my mattress will do

By Ferdinand Mwongela

Is it that financial institutions and virtually everyone dealing with figures is out to confound the rest of us mere mortals who had selective amnesia in mathematics classes?

I know we read novels under the desk while the harassed teacher was rumbling on about vectors but that should be no excuse to confuse as in this time and age.

From banks to the Higher Education Loans Board (Helb) and even pollsters, everyone seems to be having a mathematical ball at our expense. Following those figures should be a full time job. Every time I get my bank statement, I feel a sense of déjà vu because even if something were amiss, I would be hard pressed to point it out. That is despite the very nice note somewhere at the bottom to get in touch with the bank if there are any complaints about your financial statement.

Not that I have ever had any. The status of my bank account and flying by the seat of my pants in financial matters has always meant that even if you roused me from dead sleep, I can tell you the balance in my account down to the last shilling. Believe me, it is not hard to keep track of the few coins left in there after all my bills have been paid, leaving yours truly feeling violated.

Extra cash

I wonder why the tenth of every month I get fancy ideas about raising extra cash — like keeping rabbits or trapping moles. Of course, these ideas disappear round the late 20-something of the month once the pay checks in. but the money minting schemes resurface a week later, like clockwork.

So my problem with financial wizards has very little to do with mismanaging my no-existent horde of cash. Just that their methods have had me at a loss. Like the Helb for instance. Despite me paying back the money the good chaps at Anniversary Towers sambazad us for drinking at the campus mama pima, the confounded balance does not seem to have moved an inch.

My dream would be to hire an accountant to look after the question of financial management but I am afraid if he sees my bank balance, he might realise fast that his pay would at best be a pipe dream.

So I have begun realising the importance of mattress accounts. You can flip it over and count your wealth before you go to sleep and slip your hand in every now and then to check whether it is still there.