By James Gitau

All children are born with the potential to be great and joyful. Indeed, when they are young, they laugh a lot, have incredible curiosity and have sponge-like abilities to absorb information.

What happens as they grow up that makes them sulk, cry easily and generally become unhappy? What makes them withdrawn and sometimes even violent just after a few years in this world? How come many children have poor relations with their parents from their teen years?

Last Sunday, we focused on the signs of a troubled childhood. While it is important to understand the signs of a troubled child, it is even more crucial to appreciate the cause, because then you can know what you are dealing with and look for appropriate solutions.

Diagnosis of troubled childhood may be very difficult as the source may be not be easily identifiable. A coach or a counsellor will not take a troubled child to a science lab and have the samples drawn and analysed. A good counsellor will depend a lot on the case history, presenting behaviour (symptoms) and his or her experience with similar cases.

In almost all the cases of troubled child I have dealt with, parents blame external factors such as peer pressure, bad teachers and so on for their child’s troubles. They hardly see their role in the challenges their child is going through.

However, most studies have pointed an accusing finger at the parents as the main cause of their children’s troubled nature. Indeed, some leading family doctors estimate that over 90 per cent of families are dysfunctional. Unfortunately, most people are in denial and, therefore, will not seek help. The saddest part, however, is that they will pass down the dysfunctional baton to their children, who will mostly likely follow suit.

So how are you contributing to this problem?

1. Violence at home or at school

As a loving parent, you might say this does not apply to you, but hang on. How many times have you said to your child, “Wacha ama nitakuchapa (Stop or I will beat you) “ when they did something you allowed to irritate you?

When we hear of violence at home, we think of parents physically fighting.  However, domestic violence takes many forms, from physical violence or threats of physical violence to violent language. Whether these are directed at the child or at other members of the family, they impact negatively on the child’s development by causing fear and emotional stress.

Many children have also been destroyed by schools where violence, threats or abusive language from teachers or other children is accepted or tolerated.

2. Parental rejection

You might say, “Which parent would reject their own child?” We are not talking about a father or mother who abandons their child or children. This about ‘normal’ parents who use rejection as a form of manipulation.

Rejection comes in many ways. Here are two examples:

a)   Withholding love: When a child does something displeasing, the tendency for many parents is to withhold love. The child is labelled careless, lazy, naughty or bad and sent off to their room. This may lead to the child feeling rejected and unworthy of the parents love.

b)   Showing little interest in your child’s activities and achievements: Many career parents and businesspeople tend to pay very little attention to what their children do. Many are not even aware of what is happening in their children’s lives as they  spend very little time with them. In some instances, even when the parents are at home, they are too busy with other things like the newspaper, television, iPads or smart phones.

3. Too much pressure

More than ever before, parents are putting too much pressure on the children to perform well, especially in academically. A child who fails to meet parental expectations can feel shame, guilt and hopelessness and mask his or her feelings in destructive behaviour, just like many adults do.

4. Poor role models

You are your child’s first role model. If you smoke like a chimney, guzzle alcohol like it is going out of fashion, or are a bully and use abusive language, do not be surprised or angry if your child has similar habits.

The writer is the Founder of Peak Performance International, a human potential development firm. Email your comments to: lifecoach@peakperformance-int.com