If he talks to you via the phone; Facebook, Twitter, Skype, email or other social media outlets, something is definitely not right in the relationship. GARDY CHACHA explores
Recently, a friend posted a question on my Facebook wall: “Do you prefer single, in a relationship, married, divorced or it’s complicated status?” Most of my friends’ profiles indicate ‘it’s complicated’. Whether it’s a weirdo means of forcing dry humour or plain gothic honesty, it strikes certain cords, which ignite unpalatable thoughts.
Many reminisce the old days; 2000 going back — when we weren’t tied down to cell phones, social networks, e-mail and text messages. The essence of being in a relationship was in the warmth of connubialism. Old folks recount the relish when a young man would circle round the hedge of a girl’s home just to whisper sweet nothings.
But with the advent of mobile phones and social media, alas! It is actually possible for a person to keep you in a virtual relationship, communicating via electronic media but not making similar efforts to meet you as it is commensurate with love.
If a relationship only allowed engagement through means aided by technology, ad infinitum, would it stand the test of time?
Tricky and difficult
“It would be tricky and difficult at the same time,” says Nicholas Mudimba, KTN’s sports anchor. “Communication is fundamental in a relationship. In a situation where your better half only communicates through electronic media without considering importance in meeting you physically, it would mean there is nothing to hope for in the relationship.”
Even though Nicholas bestows an iota of belief on the functionality of a relationship where physical presence is not so prime, in his opinion, it wouldn’t work out in the long run. He adds: “The way you understand a partner when you interact physically is different from how you’d know them via the phone or through emailing messages; you would need to understand the metamorphosis of the relationship, which you can’t unless physical presence is inculcated.”
The lowest amount of effort courting someone is achieved albeit with expectations of higher returns. The question nods; where has the personal connection gone?
Physical closeness
Musician and recording artiste Avril Nyambura, says physical distance between love birds without any form of real physical presence, even if remotely intermittent, is “tricky because a relationship is nurtured through sense.” According to Avril, physical closeness is an important aspect of relationships. She says: “As humans, we are social beings. We need to be close to the person we love. Especially for a lady, the sense of touch means a lot.”
In her latest single Hakuna yule: missing you, Avril writes of how ‘she’ misses the smell, the touch, the smile, the voice and all the anecdotes of physical affection of a boyfriend who had been away for some time. In her opinion, when a special person is constantly away, even if you talk over the phone every minute during the time you are apart, anticipation and longing remains unsatisfied and eventually, parties become emotionally broken if absence persists.
Dead-end
Even though such ad hoc situations when a mate is away purposefully should be understandable, Avril maintains it would be important to craft ways of meeting several times to dissipate simmering discomfort brought by distance. “If physical connection is not maintained, it would mean that something is amiss somewhere. It would be a sign of a dead-end relationship. If a man truly loves me, he should do whatever it takes to be around me physically; I wouldn’t settle for a virtual arrangement.”
For Jennifer Karina, a relationship expert, it is fine if dating couples maintain communication through whichever means — but only if there are understandable physical barriers that can’t allow for face-to-face rapports. She warns that prolonged physical absence, whether propagated by the woman or the man in a relationship, is likely to signal disconnect, which affirms to a relationship that has run out of steam or is already dead.
“Distance making the heart grow fonder is a fallacy,” she states. “Reality is that when someone is out of site, they equally become erased out of the mind with time. Pictures and even the voice of a person via the phone are not as real as when the person is only centimetres away. The relationship eventually stagnates, ossifying into a fantasy skeleton.”
Psychologist Catherine Mbau says, “The skin is the largest organ humans have. Touching, massaging, rubbing, caressing, are all ways that the language of love is spoken. Physical distance begs the question, ‘where is this person; with who, if not me?’”
Catherine says since differences in opinion arise among dating couples often, it would be hard to conclusively discuss them over the phone or via email. She says strain in the relationship, catalysed by distance, runs a couple into claudication, proceeding to eventual dearth — if not death of the relationship.
Jimmy Kyalo doesn’t see anything wrong with running a relationship ‘E-wise’: “M-Pesa has simplified monetary transactions; e-banking has made it easier to bank; smartphones have voice recognition; we even have digital money named bit coins...why would a relationship require physical presence?”
His words carried a measured amount of sense, but still, majority of people can’t seem to sink into the idea of e-dating. Edith Mathenge, a happily married woman says the foundation of a relationship is in the physical connection. In her opinion, when a person is undergoing internal turmoil and they need their spouse’s comfort, a phone call or video skype wouldn’t produce the same effect as a physical embrace would.
The triad of Nicholas, Avril and Edith all agree that a virtual relationship, in reality, does not exist and is not time worthy. “If there’s no physical interaction; whether this person is abroad or within, flee. Someone could be taking you for a ride,” concludes Nicholas.
