By Allan Olingo
Conflicts are a part and parcel of a relationship. Partners in a relationship need not turn into monsters or to be treated monstrously during a fight, and hence when conflicts arise, the choice of whether to go for a run or run your partner down exists.
According to psychologist Kennedy Miduwa, couples need to address their differences in an amicable manner, creating room for constructive criticism.
“Disagreements are never solved by shouting or going for each other’s neck. As a couple, you need to have a way of disagreeing and expressing your intense feelings without going overboard,” says Miduwa.
More often, fighting in relationships take the form of trading accusations, sarcasm, emotional bargaining, threats, name-calling and cursing. All these, no matter how they are delivered, damage a relationship, sometime making the misunderstandings too big to manage.
Letting off steam
University of Nairobi Sociology lecturer Dr Gidraph Wairire says a healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for friendly fighting, because all relationships have to have an element of disagreements.
“Couples ought to understand favourable ways of dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution,” says Dr Wairire.
He points out that friendly fighting means working out differences that matter in subtle, but serious ways without resorting to the negative extremes.
Says Dr Wairire: “It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us ‘fight’ and still stay friends.”
People in mature and healthy relationships understand the gains of friendly fighting and this has been the reason most of them have been able to stay together.
“It is possible to be in a relationship where you disagree without putting each other down. You should learn to work it out together and support each other, even when differences frustrate you,” advises Miduwa.
Here are some tips to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your relationship instead of harming it.
1. Confront compassionately
When confronted, the natural instinct is to defend yourself. When you confront compassionately, you are likely to meet in the middle. You will be able to open the other person’s heart and mind when you show them that you understand where they’re coming from. They also will be willing to see your side and that will give you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly.
2. Embrace conflict
Conflict is normal and healthy, so there is no need to fear it. Having conflicts in a relationship proves there’s room to grow, meaning there is still a lot that you can learn from each others difference.
3. Issue-based fighting
We sometimes forget about the issues that we fight about and instead target the person. This is the point where either party resorts to name calling and doing things that are intended not to solve the problem, but to hurt the other party.
Says Miduwa: “This approach is wrong. You should instead chose to go after the issue and not each other. Friendly fighting sticks with the issue.”
4. Art of listening
It is always frustrating when you are trying to talk things out and the other party is not giving you the chance to do it. Instead, they interrupt letting the issue pass them by. It is only fair to hear the other party out, acknowledge their feelings and understanding what they are trying to bring to the table.
5. Respectful discussion
Fighting may involve shouting, however, you should understand that the louder you shout, the less likely you will be heard. You might win the shouting match, but that doesn’t mean you have managed to solve the issue. Having a respectful and sober discussionmakes it possible for both of you to start focusing on the issues.
6. Agreeable options
The key to solving conflicts is finding a common ground and working from there. When you do so, issues start becoming small and solvable. That is the way friendly fighting occurs. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration.
Says Dr Wairire: “When you offer options of your own, basically it means you are trying to find a solution and this will make the other party come down and reason it out with you.”
7. Make concessions
The greatest breakthrough to any fighting is when concessions are made. Its never easy, but it’s a step to solving the problem.
Says Miduwa: “However small the concessions are, they are valuable in the fighting scenario and they can turn the situation around.”
Small concessions lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re giving in even if you were wronged, it just means that you are giving happiness and joy a chance rather than fighting.
8. Peace and harmony
When two people in a relationship are fighting, it does not mean that the relationship is doomed, but shows that just like any other, its is not perfect.
According to Dr Wairire, making peace enables the two of you to move forward as a team and achieve a greater deal together.
“When you feel a strong emotion, take your time and try to sit it for a while. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimise the negativity you create. This ensures there’s peace and harmony,” says Dr Wairire.
