Reader's Dillema
I am turning 29 this year and my fiancée is 25. We had a child last year and God took him away. Since then, life has not been easy.
Many times I have asked her that we try and get another child but she always has excuses and is not keen on it. Sometimes she even turns the tables on me accusing me of not being committed to this relationship or that she wants a colourful wedding first.
We are both working and studying at the same time, never mind that I am the one who is paying fees for both of us. I think the problem is that most of her friends are getting married so she also wants a wedding, but she does not care about or understand my financial position.
I am stressed because I love her and want to make her happy, but she doesn’t seem to want to understand me! What do I do?
{Morris}
Your Say
You need to explain to her about your financial position. It seems your fiancée knows how much you earn and she is confident that you can afford the wedding plus all the fees. Sabastian Ouma
Sorry bro but you seem to be in a hurry. Let her take her time. She needs to heal from the last tragedy. Carinah Kanyingi
My friend, I’m sorry it’s hard on you but she is your fiancée. You want a child, she needs a wedding. How about you suggesting that she stops her studies to prepare for the marriage, then she will understand your financial position. Reinhard, Mig
It seems the problem emanates from the loss of your child, which is a natural cause and nothing can be done about it. Your fiancée could be having fears for the future in case you get married and such a predicament occurs. The best thing is for both of you to part ways in a dignified manner. Aseri Derrick
You are being insensitive big time. You seem to have no idea of the attachment between mother and child. I’m a mother and I believe I am the only one who knows what I share with my babies. You must allow your woman to heal before asking for another baby. I’m impressed you are paying for her fees, it shows how much you value her. Be patient and allow her to heal — a wedding will catalyse the process, you better plan for one. Irene Mukiri, Meru
Counsellors say
Morris, I think there is much more going on here than meets the eye. Under normal circumstances, once a woman loses a child, they will naturally want to try to get another one as soon as possible to fill the void.
If she has a genuine reason for not wanting a baby, she shouldn’t put blame you for not having married her with a big wedding or accuse you of not being serious about the relationship. Nonetheless, her reasons sound like delaying tactics than genuine reasons for not wanting to have a baby.
The requirements she has put out are things that may not be resolved in the near future. When she talks about a big wedding, she knows that your resources are limited being that you are currently paying school fees for both of you. When she accuses you of not being serious — she is just putting the burden of proof on you while she knows she is the one who may not be serious in this relationship.
About the wedding, she may want a big wedding all right but how much is she ready to commit to financing part of it. Weddings today are cost-shared first by the couple wedding then with friends.
If she wants “a big wedding”, she must also be ready, able and willing to contribute to the budget. Set your priorities straight and let her know that you are strained. Assure her of your desire to have a wedding in future but also point out that as per your current financial obligations, a wedding may not be your priority.
On making her happy, sometimes you can only do so much to please someone — especially someone who doesn’t seem pleased. She may be having some cards she is not putting on the table so for now, we can only wait and see. Keep your eyes open. Morris
