It hits you like a thunderbolt especially if you are not prepared for it, but the empty-nest syndrome is a harsh reality that is also a blessing in disguise, writes NJOKI CHEGE
Women are wired to be nurturers, caregivers and sometimes ‘referees’ when it comes to parenting and motherhood. So it is expected that you feel depressed, irrelevant and inadequate when time comes for your children to leave the nest either for college or to start life on their own.
For some, simply driving past a school or football game would make them weep when they officially became empty nesters.
Jennifer Karina, a motivational speaker, author and mother of three wasn’t surprised by her grief — the sense of deep loss and the resonating silence in the house — when her youngest daughter left for college abroad.
“It hit me like a thunderbolt when my last daughter left to study abroad. I then realised I needed to engage myself both physically and intellectually to rid myself of the loneliness that followed,” says Jennifer.
The good news is, the emptiness is not only survivable, but beneficial and important also. The secret lies in one thing; and that is preparedness.
Empty-nest syndrome is the name given to a psychological condition that can affect parents (most commonly women) around the time their children leave home. If not well prepared, it is tantamount to wreck havoc in an otherwise normal household.
Dr Gladys Mwiti, a clinical psychologist and CEO of Oasis Africa Counselling Centre reckons that the empty-nest syndrome is a reality all women have to deal with at some point in their lives.
“It is a reality, when you realise ‘Ooops! My babies are gone!’ because in essence, we raise our children to grow up, move out and face the world fearlessly,” she notes.
Dr Mwiti also notes that the empty-nest syndrome serves as a litmus test to the stability and stamina of your marriage. It goes without saying that a vacuum will definitely develop in your marriage if you grew apart as a couple while raising your children.
“If the children filled a gap between a couple, then there is bound to be a vacuum once the children leave the house. Therefore, you have to first ensure that your marriage remains intact, even when the children are still around,” she stresses.
FIND YOUR IDENTITY
This syndrome especially affects women, as mothers particularly enjoy a close-knit relationship with their children.
So how do you sail through?
Says Dr Mwiti: “To survive the empty nest syndrome, you need to realise that children do not define your identity. They are visitors in your life that are bound to leave you at some point.”
Therefore, the question to ask yourself at this point is; “After my children are gone, Who am I?”
Once you answer this question, then you channel that effort that was initially meant for the children to other activities that will keep you busy and keep depression at bay.
ANTICIPATE DEPARTURE
Jennifer says that parents must learn to anticipate the departure of their children.
“In life, we are always reactive instead of being pro-active. Empty-nest syndrome is a developmental stage and parents should and must anticipate it. You have to plan what you will do with all that energy, now that the children have left,” says Karina.
For instance, after her youngest child left, Jennifer found a new sport — golf and also wrote a book to engage her intellect.
“There needs to be a shift from that over-dependency on your children to finding a new passion, or even giving your career more attention than ever before. Volunteer to the community, serve more reverently, read more, write if you can, and travel if you can afford it. By all means, keep yourself busy, but first prepare,” she says.
“Prepare well before it happens. Look at ways and means on how to fill the gaps,” adds Jennifer.
As Dr Mwiti points out, this is the time to engage the second half of your life. Contrary to popular belief that your life comes to an end after the children leave, you will be pleasantly surprised to know that this is the most opportune time to re-invent and re-discover yourself.
DOUBLE-EDGED
Psychologists and sociologists also agree that the empty-nest syndrome is a double-edged sword as something similar could also be happening to your children.
Your children, inasmuch as they are now free and independent, are also struggling to find their footing, and also missing the warmth of the nest.
Karina advises parents to play their role in helping their children find themselves in this world.
“Let them fly. Buy them wings if you have to, pay their accommodation if you have to, boost them and then step back and watch them fly on their own,” she says.
LET THEM BE
Given, all mothers tend to cling to their children, without realising that clinging is actually clipping off their wings and disabling their drive to grow.
If children don’t fly when they should and don’t grow at the right time, you create in them a dependency on you. You disable their creative knack and they fail to sprout at the right time. This is why it is vital for parents to play an active role in supporting their children in finding footing in the outside world.
By focusing on the positive bits of your children’s departure, you set your eyes on the big picture and you will realise that the pros will always outweigh the cons. Therefore, bless them as they go out to find themselves.
GROW CLOSER
And while you are at it, also work on your marriage. At this point, it is a question of re-investing that energy you had for your children towards your marriage.
Says Karina: “This is the time to re-discover the love of your life. Believe me, it is a nice feeling. You go back to the days of your courtship and you will enjoy it!”
For Dr Mwiti, it was courtship all over again with her husband, Dr Gerishon Mwiti, a marriage coach.
“Well, for me, I have always been busy with my career, but once our last daughter left to live on her own last year, it was courtship and romance all over again! But this time, we were wiser and better!” says Dr Mwiti.
Karina advises couples in this situation to aspire to get closer to each other and rebuild their relationship like new lovers. Friendship is key here; it is the most important ingredient in curbing the empty-nest syndrome.
Find new hobbies, Dr Mwiti advises. “I particularly enjoy gardening. I enjoy tending to my flowers, which has been a worthy past-time for me,” says Dr Mwiti.
