By Simon
In the earlier years, you didn’t notice it as much, but now they seem to be frequent and the magnitude sometimes escalates. Disagreements that create such thick tension you can almost feel it with the palm of your hands. Many times, the tension trickles down to you and your siblings, often causing a sombre atmosphere at home. Sometimes it gets physical, with mum always ending up on the receiving end. This is getting to you.
For some reason, you never get to know what they fight about, but again you can’t help but wonder what your role is in this? Should you try to intervene? Should you talk to either of them secretly to understand what is going on and try to help? Is it ok to involve another family member? These, among many other questions, constantly linger in your mind, but there are some things you need to know.
Get all the information
As a young adult, you will often find yourself in situations where you need to make decisions or act fast. In such situations, it is important to first arm yourself with the right information then use it to inform your decision. Here is what you need to know about what, how and why parents fight in order to make the right decisions and act accordingly.
Why do parents fight?
Universally, fights emerge when people feel shortchanged or unhappy with the actions of the other party. It is no different for your parents.
However, domestic fights usually revolve around expectations and more so where they are not managed properly. You will find that in life, it is just as difficult to manage other people’s expectations of you as it is to manage your expectations of them.
Most minor disagreements are based on unmanaged expectations and these are normal in any genuine and healthy relationship. It has nothing to do with them not loving or hating each other.
What do they fight about?
The main issues include you (the children), money, infidelity or feelings of contempt. Nonetheless, the kind of fight can give you an indication about the cause or underlying problem. Cold war’s (not talking to each othe and appearing to be moody or unhappy) are usually just about expectations. One of the parties feels let down while the other has refused to accept the other’s line of thinking. They may also be caused by infidelity, disagreements or feelings of betrayal. Physical fights are indications of underlying sensitive issues, which persisted past the cold wars and, which keep re-emerging, causing increased tension. Unless one of your parents is naturally violent, physical fights are usually indicators of prolonged tension.
Your role?
There is only so much you can do to help. First, remember you (the children) may be the underlying problem. Not that they don’t like you. What I mean is that the issues causing the tension may revolve around you.
Second, the causes may be sensitive matters revolving around money, betrayal, insubordination and infidelity among others. Being your parents, they would not in their right minds disclose these to you, so attempts to find out what the matter is may not be fruitful.
• You ought to remain neutral. Sometimes young men tend to seek counsel with their mothers because she generally appears to be aggrieved, weaker and vulnerable. This always leads to them taking her side, which only worsens the situation. If you decide to engage, do it with each one of them independently. Listen carefully, but do not form a judgment or appear to lean towards one side. Be conscious of the untold story.
• Be observant as to the degree of the tension, especially when the fights get physical. Remember that the fight is not the problem, but an effect of underlying sensitive and/or prolonged problems. When you see the violence escalating, it is important to notify a relative who is held in high regard in your family.
• Be a beacon of hope for your siblings. Work to maintain sobriety among them and also inform them on what you know. Where the fights are physical and the magnitude is escalating, you need to confront the aggressive partner. Make him or her know that you appreciate that they have their differences, but urge them to get amicable ways of resolving them. Sometimes you may be required to stand up for the weaker/vulnerable party even if it means threatening to fight fire with fire.
