When a father is the sole parent
It is common to hear stories of single mothers struggling to raise their children, but not many men can single handedly take care of children, especially when they are very young. ALLAN OLINGO talked to three singe fathers who shared their experiences
When a marriage or a relationship breaks down, many men abandon their parental duties, leaving the woman to fend for the children. And when a wife passes on, a husband is likely to remarry immediately.
Not so for Tom Ngolo who lost his wife and mother to his six-month-old son. To the surprise of many people, Tom decided to raise his son on his own. Many friends and relatives doubted he could manage such a demanding task alone.
“After my wife’s burial, my mother offered to raise my son, but I declined. I had developed a strong bond with him. I was actually in the delivery room encouraging my wife to push, so I was not going to be separated from him,” says Tom.
According to him, the first days were very difficult because he had to set up five alarms to wake up in the night to bottle-feed him.
“It was a hustle. I would wake up and rush to warm the milk as he cried. I would then cool it to what I thought was the right temperature. This was until I was introduced to the milk temperature regulator,” says Tom.
Despite having a house-help and his sister around, Tom ensured that he did everything for his son, including bathing him, washing his clothes and changing diapers. They even slept on the same bed.
“This created a strong bond between us. He is special and I am attached to him. I later re-married and have other children, but I try to maintain a balance between them all,” he offers.
When Edward Indakwa started living with his three sons in 2005, the task before him was daunting, as he had to double up as the mother to his sons.
Wired
For most fathers, the initial stages are very challenging and for Edward, it was a struggle to assume the motherly role.
“It was frightening because as men, we are not wired to be mothers. It is a role that you have to learn fast so that they do not lack or get emotionally unbalanced,” says Edward.
Edward says things improved with time and he was able to manage smoothly.
“I’m happy that things now are working smoothly. I think being a single parent and taking all the responsibilities is pleasure for oneself,” he says.
Despite the struggle, Edward says his children have turned out really impressive, taking up responsibilities and performing very well in school.
“I admire what they are now. I can confidently say that they are mature for their age and are responsible. I can even take out-of-town assignments without worrying too much,” he says.
According to Edward, his children understand that there are those times he needs to multi-task and balance between them and other things and that they are very supportive.
Edward’s positive attitude and sharp sense of humour must help him get through the difficult days, I assume, but he also credits the support of his family.
“When I started living with my sons, my sister stayed with us for a year, which was very helpful in the transition. Raising a child is the most rewarding thing you can do. I enjoy the responsibilities and I’m very happy that they have learnt a lot from me. We now cook, share chores and are very close to one another,” says Edward.
Carlos Kioko is another single father who has seen his son through primary school and is proud of his achievements.
“It is difficult to adjust to being a single father. I had to do chores such as washing my son’s clothes, check his homework and ensure he has eaten and slept on time. It was difficult at the beginning, but I consoled myself that nothing happens overnight,” says Kioko.
Kioko reveals that he had to forfeit his social life so that he could dedicate a lot of time and resources to his son.
“We were just the two of us. Being a single father is interesting because you really get to be part of your child’s life,” says Kioko.
Kioko says he is happy that the role of being father and mother, though challenging, is smooth and the feeling is rewarding too.
“Taking responsibilities as a single father is something I take pride in. For my case it was special. My son had to accept the situation and move on. As he grew up I noticed he was also very mature for his age and really responsible and so I’m impressed,” says Kioko.
Dating
As a single father, dating is always tricky because you want to balance between your emotions and your children’s, especially depending on how you ended up a single father.
It’s unfortunate that when most of these breakups happen, the attitude among many people is to replace the mother almost immediately, which Kioko says should not be the case.
“Bringing another motherly figure into their lives never always work. Instead, spend some time with your children, understand what they feel and let them understand what you feel, too, before jumping into the dating world again,” says Kioko.
Tom, on the other hand, says his son loved his step-mother from the onset.
“It all depends on the child. If they do not like your partner then you might have a challenge,” says Tom.
One of the challenges of being a single father is balancing between work, your children and your social life.
“Time management was one of the challenges I had to master. You need to manage your time so that your children, work and social life run smoothly,” says Kioko.
Edward agrees that achieving a balance is not easy, especially if you are working.
Kennedy Miduwa, a psychologist, says one of the things most single fathers do is to internalise their feelings and struggles. To cope with stressful situations, they avoid the emotional aspects.
“Just look around and you will notice that most of these people have hidden feelings. You will not see them struggle yet deep inside they need some support. They internalise feelings and soldier on in extreme loneliness,” says Miduwa.
Miduwa says as much as it is rewarding to be a single parent, the children need the missing balance.
“When they are growing up, they don’t have that softer influence of a woman and this is important. To counter this, the father can ensure the children occasionally visit the mother, aunties and grandparents,” advises Miduwa.
Says Edward: “They need to see me as a husband so that they are oriented on how to treat women. I understand that they miss the feminine touch and I have always done my best to ensure they spend some time with their mother.”
