Having been married for 18 years, Bishop Allan and Pastor Kathy Kiuna in their book Marriage Works give tips for long-lasting marriages, writes Joan Kabugu.

Marriage break-ups in Hollywood is the order of the day with some marriages lasting just a few hours. The few celebrities who have managed to keep their marriages for more than ten years include Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Will and Jada Smith and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

It is not only in Hollywood and the West that marriages are breaking at a high rate. Many couples in Kenya are also separating after a year or two of marriage.

To provide a solution for the increasing divorce rates, many local and international authors have written books on issues affecting marriage and how to achieve a successful marriage.  Marriage Works by Bishop Allan and Pastor Kathy Kiuna is an example of a marriage book authored locally.

Allan and Kathy, who have been married for 18 years, say friendship, proper conflict resolution and intimacy are the building blocks of a marriage that will last a lifetime.

 

Friendship

Chapter nine of the book is titled My spouse my friend and it emphasises the need to marry a friend.

“We talk to our friends, we confide in our friends, we cherish our friends, we communicate with our friends, even more importantly we open up to our friends,” it states.

Allan and Kathy say friendship is important in marriage because friends can be vulnerable with each other and still be safe and shield and believe in each other.

Unfortunately, many couples are unable to build lasting friendships because of a number of reasons including negative past experiences, overwhelming feelings of insecurity, differences in temperaments and selfishness.

Angie Kamau and Paul Mwaura, who have been married for eight years, reiterate the importance of friendship in marriage.

“Your spouse is your companion; someone you will spend the rest of your life with... I long to come home to a friend each evening,” says Paul.

Angie adds: “Our children emulate our friendship. They, too, become friends by default.”

They insist on the need to nurture friendship, adding that the impromptu dates and rendezvous escapades should continue in marriage.

 

Special dates

Allan shares his frustration in early years when his wife demanded ‘me and you time’. He could not understand what time this was since they woke up together, prayed together, drove to work together and worked in adjacent offices. He later found out that this was time set apart for a special dinner date and time away for the two of them.

On conflict resolution in marriage, Paul says: “Sometimes when conflicts arise, you need to take time and cool off and later come and address the problem when you are less irritated. Marriage is not about winning arguments, but making compromises, forgiving and forgetting.”

Angie’s strategy is instant forgiveness and never bringing up the issue in future. She, however, emphasises that couples should not resolve conflicts in front of the children, friends, relatives or house helps. 

“We usually find time and space for just the two of us where we turn off the TV and phones and address the issue,” she says.

Allan and Kathy, in chapter ten of their book, give the following approaches for dealing with conflicts in marriage:

  •   Resist a hardness of heart, which comes in form of selfishness, stubbornness, unreasonableness and pride, as it insists on having one’s way ‘or else’.
  •  Place a premium on your marriage. Many marriage conflicts are allowed to escalate because the parties do not recognise or appreciate the value of their marriage.
  •  On mutual respect, Allan and Kathy say when you truly respect your spouse, you are careful about what you say or do to them and you go out of your way to avoid offending them.
  • Your spouse may be totally different from any person you have ever met before, but you ought to accept them for who they are.
  •  The book also says assumptions are bad as they make us put on a protective mode and hence deal with current conflicts based on past hurts.
  •   Guard most important relationship in daily prayer.
  •  Marriage Works highlights money as a very touchy issue and a potential marriage rocker. Allan and Kathy candidly state that couples should never let money direct them.

 “Money is paper. It is not your manager. Always remember that there is no her money or his money, all there is, is our money.”