By Peter Kimani

This is the Budget Speech Finance minister Njeru Githae should have read in Parliament yesterday:

Mr Speaker Sir, I would like to start with a confession. As you might be aware, I’m a greenhorn in the field of finance, having only arrived on the scene a few months ago. You may have read my plea in the Press seeking a three-month grace period, during which time I expected to fully attune myself to the rules of the game.

Mr Speaker Sir, that was hardly granted, although I’m not complaining. But I would be lying if I told you I fully understand the complexity of budget making, or even the big words that describe the small acts that all amount to taxation of the citizens to fund Government projects.

My expertise and which I would like to draw from lies in the realm of sage philosophy, largely informed by my observations growing up on the slopes of Mount Kenya.

Once upon not too long ago, I proposed that starving Kenyans should turn to eating other foods to be found within their borders, including rats and other four-legged rodents.

This proposal was largely vilified, and even widely quoted as evidence of the alleged dissonance between the political class and Kenya’s growing underclass. Mr Speaker Sir, I want to restate here and now that the indigenous foods proposal should be treated with the seriousness it deserves. As a matter of fact, I want to propose that we make Kenya a tax haven and raise our funds through other means.

Dinner table

Rather than continually provide agricultural farm subsidies that yield nothing other than the bitter fruits of frustration, I propose that my ministry, in conjunction with the Ministry of Wildlife, provide bows and arrows for localised hunting as a long-term food security strategy.

This back-to-the roots campaign shall not end with the issues of bread and butter, I mean, rodents and rats. Wild animals should not stop at the dinner table. They should provide hides and skins to cover the nakedness of our growing population.

Mr Speaker Sir, before anyone thinks this a preposterous proposition, I would like to elaborate such egalitarianism will help us sort permanently the runaway corruption that has dogged successive Governments since independence.

Men, and invariably, women, steal from the public coffers to afford the trappings of privilege such as silk ties and imported suits. By reverting to wearing animal skins, theft of public resources will be partially addressed – without any budgetary implications on the Government. Moreover, the consumption of free-range meat from the bush will dramatically reduce lifestyle diseases that account for a sizeable portion of the financial allocations to the Ministry of Health.

Replace guns

Mr Speaker Sir, I now want to turn my attention to issues of law and order, which account for significant portion of the national budget.  There is no reason spears should not replace guns and grenades, for if such armoury worked in the past, it should work in the future. In relation to that, we must empower elders’ place in the administration of justice, and elevate animal fines and sacrifice as a core component of the justice system. Needless to say, children would be home educated, invalidating the need for budgetary allocations to schools.

Mr Speaker Sir, all these activities will no doubt draw attention from far and wide, and naturally trigger a tide of tourists, with their dollars and euros, to come see Kenyans go about their lives in their most natural form.

FEEDBACK

Thank God for your column. I have always thought The Standard was pro-ODM and pro-Raila. But there’s nothing like biased, unbalanced or prejudiced reporting in your column. Just for the record, I thought other leaders also visited Moi Avenue scene of recent terror attack.

Seth Kwatemba

I want to comment on Musalia Mudavadi’s reported eloquence in your last week’s column. I wish to point out that presidency is more than just fluency or being a good usher. At best, Musalia will emerge third in the presidential race. He should consider running for county governor or senator’s seats.

Solomon Abayo

I always enjoy your articles, but you are turning to an area that will drive many of your loyal readers away – politics. How could you castigate two presidential aspirants (Raila and Kalonzo) in your last week’s column?

Vincent Mwenda

I enjoyed your last week’s column on the toll that alcohol is taking on Central Province. I think you’re very talented. I especially love how you blend the truth with humour that leaves us informed and entertained at the same time. Keep up the good work.

Nelson Ang’oma

I attended Wahundura Primary School in Murang’a, so I was thrilled and intrigued to read your  column last week on the institution and the ruinous drinks reversing past gains. It’s true there are many bachelors there, but it is also true many young people have migrated to other places due to high population.

Chris Mutahi

Let’s bury prejudice and celebrate cultural inclusion

So, Joshua Orwa Ojode was a friend of all, who espoused no prejudice whatsoever?

Indeed, what should we expect of a man who received meaningful education at home and abroad, and served in both private and public sectors?

The glowing tributes paid to the former Assistant Minister for Internal Security and his boss, George Saitoti betray the erosion of some basic values now seen as novelty.

We are still mesmerised at ordinary people doing perfectly ordinary things, like remaining true to themselves, or discharging their duties without fear or favour.

This speaks to the growing acceptance of sycophancy to replace principle, favouritism in place of merit. And due to this twisted logic, we barely pay attention to an even more ordinary narrative that should provide enduring lesson from Saitoti’s life: he was born in Kiambu of Kikuyu parents, who migrated to Kajiado where he grew up and received early education, and later returned to seek an elective post. 

That’s as it should be. But rather than celebrate the accommodation that the Maasai people accorded Saitoti’s parents, and later the man himself, details of his parentage remained buried, thereby entrenching discrimination on account of ethnicity, instead of celebrating the cultural inclusion that Saitoti represented.