First red flag: You do not care who you are dating as long as you are in a relationship. To you, being in a negative relationship is better than being in none at all. MATILDA NZIOKI looks into the life of a desperate woman.
She was taking things too fast’ is a common reason why men break up with a woman — fast. Men flee from a relationship when the woman shows a strong desire for getting a ring and children fast, as opposed to letting things flow naturally.
Women are emotional and sentimental, while men are indirectly the opposite. This nature renders women more desperate than men when it comes to relationships, although there is a small percentage of men who too can be desperate.
Some women are generally addicted to relationships. Just like substance and gambling addictions, a relationship addiction is equally dangerous. Such kind of women are usually branded as desperados. A desperate woman is obsessive, clingy, and panicky. She specialises in neediness, as she is afraid of being alone.
This woman has identity issues and is unable to support herself.
She puts her life on hold for a man and in essence, her main emphasis in life is being in a relationship.
Signs she’s desperate
But how do you spot a desperado? First she is a serial dater. She strings together many relationships back-to-back. The average woman has had at least three serious boyfriends in five years. The desperado can have a boyfriend every three months and these men are totally different. From a toy boy, to a rich corporate guy, to a shady athlete.
She simply has no taste or preference. The idea is to be in a relationship, and whoever shows interest, she’s in. To her, being in a negative relationship is better than being in no relationship at all.
This woman is on a time line and wants to settle down at breakneck speed. Two weeks after the first kiss, she’s introducing you as her boyfriend. She wants an engagement ring within a few months and children soon after. She mistakes infatuation and sexual attraction for deep and true love. Basically, she tries to impose a serious commitment prematurely.
In these end-to-end relationships, a desperado always wants to please a guy. Maybe she is too scared to lose him and will constantly buy him gifts to a point to ‘win’ his love.
She craves his attention all the time and bases her life on what he is doing, saying and thinking. She has no opinion, interest and an identity. She has no life of her own and has no interest in friends and personal goals. If the man shows any level of disinterest, the desperado panics.
A desperado may think that she has impressed the man with her extremities, but on the contrary, these characteristics turn off a guy. Desperados don’t easily let go of relationships regardless of how they are treated. In fact, they are constantly worried about getting dumped and have a plan mapped out in case it happens.
I once knew a woman who after packing her belongings and going back home due to a major fall out with her man, would still pass by his place after work to cook and clean before heading to her new abode.
All these are avenues desperados look for to get back into a man’s life. The desperate woman will remain needy emotionally even after the break up. For instance, she will try to use mutual friends and social circles as a bridge back to the guy.
Once the relationship is finally over, she will be on the prowl for the next available brother.
So what makes a woman act desperate?
Society is partly to blame. Women are ingrained with the idea from when they are girls that they must be in a relationship. Women who are not in relationships attract whispers that something is wrong with them.
They are told that they have ‘negative characteristics’ that pull away a man.
They are advised to be more submissive and feminine in order to obtain and keep a man.
A woman who is not in a relationship is often looked at negatively. Her femininity is quite suspect. In fact, she is subjected to depreciatory and disapproving remarks regarding her sexuality.
Comments like “hakuna mwanaume anaweza kuishi na huyo mama,” (No man can live with that one) towards them are only too common.
Even if they have successful careers and social lives, they are considered incomplete until they are in a relationship.
This could explain the constant need for some women to always want to be hooked up. Society uses relationships as a status symbol. This, however, should not be a justification to become desperate.
Psychologists have repeatedly pointed out that factors such as lack of nurturing and attention when one is young contribute to this disorder. This is because such women feel isolated and detached from parents and family.
Other factors that contribute to a woman being desperate are the outer facade of ‘having it kept together’ for ‘fear of failure’.
One’s nature of being controlling also makes them become obsessive. Desperate women tend to feel a sense of worthlessness without a relationship or a partner.
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems has also been quoted as a major cause.
So what to do when caught in this trap?
Relationship expert Mike Ngesa who runs the Live Life to the Fullest forum says relationships ought to be fun and exciting; however, they are not everything.
“Women must realise that the most important thing in their lives is their self-esteem and personal worth,” he says.
He warns that women who are desperate and are obsessed with being in a relationship often attract men who treat them disrespectfully and even abuse them.
So one should do as much as they can to change or avoid being a desperado.
Here is how to go about it
First, is to admit that you are addicted and need help. Talk to family, friends and get their honest opinion.
If all of you are in agreement that you are desperate, seek ways to pull away from the source of addiction.
Try to reclaim yourself as this is the number one reason why one is always afraid of being alone.
Books addressing this issue such as Take Back Your Power by Melanie Tonia may be of help.
Remember you must learn to be your own person as no one else can define you.
Also, you have to take time off relationships. Break ups happen because the relationship was not working and the two of you were not getting along well.
The best way to figure out what you want is to take some time to look inside yourself, take stock of your life, and figure out the type of person you want to be involved with next.
When you get into another relationship, don’t put definite deadlines.
Take each day at a time and do not push major decisions like when he will propose to you, marry you or give you a baby.
Take it easy, it’s never that serious.
