The marriage journey requires support and accountability. A come we stay marriage lacks in this, writes Anthony Kagiri
Women are to be pursued and men intrinsically love the pursuit. A wedding ends that pursuit honourably and brings in commitment, sobriety and responsibility.
The importance of the wedding is not so much on the glamour, but on the foundation it gives to marriage.
Most of those who dodge a wedding do it to escape costs and cultural requirements. In other instances, pregnancy has forced many women who had great dreams of walking down the aisle to move in with their men.
Although ‘come we stay’ arrangements have become a favourite with many young people, in the long run they have come to haunt them.
I continually meet young women whose marriages are on the rocks. Most of them are in their first five years of marriage and the script is the same: Their men are cheating, have lost interest in them and/or have abdicated their spousal and parental responsibilities with no apologies. The common denominator in most of them is the fact they are in ‘come we stay’ relationships.
In marriage, what you feel for someone is not enough. Commitment is more important. It is, therefore, tragic to move in with a man you barely know just because you think you love him and he has told you he feels the same.
The worst case is when a woman moves in with a man a few months into dating without even meeting his parents.
No urgency
The first casualty of a ‘come we stay’ engagement is your dream wedding. The moment you move in with him without a deliberate plan towards formalising your marriage, you narrow your chances of having your dream wedding.
After moving in, there is no urgency to give you that wedding.
Casual marriages have a way of undermining the commitment of couples towards marriage. They allow a man to have it so easily. In such a case, there is nothing stopping him from letting you off as easily as he got you. When responsibilities increase, ‘come we stay’ marriages are easily weighed down.
In addition, the marriage journey often requires support and accountability.
A wedding or any formal entry into marriage fills that gap. When the two of you are in a ‘come we stay’ marriage, you are not accountable to anyone.
It is tragic when the only person who knows you are ‘married’ is your best friend. When things go wrong, you have no reference since you are not known in his family and neither is he in the records of your family.
By meeting relatives from both sides and making your union public, you bring in accountability. There is more commitment from both parties to make it work since you have the eyes of the society watching you.
If you can’t afford a wedding or don’t want one, at least make your union official and public. You could be joined by at the Attorney General chambers or the District Commissioner’s office, a process that takes less time and money.
A pastor could also join you in front of a few witnesses. Having a small family function where the two of you officially get hitched is another option that safeguards your union. At whatever cost, insure your marriage by making it official and public.
