I am 36 years old and married to a 60-year-old man. We got married after his first wife died of cancer. Two years ago when I was pregnant with my first baby with him, we went for a HIV test and unfortunately he turned out positive while I was negative. I accepted him the way he was. But now there is a problem. I want a second baby and I donft want it by him because I fear that he will infect the baby and I with the virus. I am thinking of getting pregnant by another man whom I am sure is HIV negative. The man is not aware of my plan, neither is my hubby. I donft know what to do because I have never had an affair but I desperately need another baby. Please advicec {Mary}

Your take:

Mary, please do not betray your husband. What if you were the one who was HIV positive. Children are a gift from God. It is not up to us to decide when to have them but God does. Think soberly about this before you make a costly blunder.

{Oyoo Wycklife}

The desire to have a child does not justify the evil you want to commit. You have other safe and morally justified options. These include pre-exposure prophylaxis, where the uninfected partner takes ARVs to avoid infection.

There is also artificial insemination, which is safe but expensive. These techniques help discordant couples to conceive without passing the virus to the unborn child. Adoption is another great option for you.

{Kighambo Danson}

Mary, visit a good government medical facility and talk to a fertility expert about available options.

Second, you need to know about the window period. Talk to him and see what he thinks about the whole matter. By cheating on him you could also expose yourself to HIV and other STDs.

{Tasma Charles}

Do not think that you can fool your husband with your heinous plan. Rest assured if you go ahead with it, he will detect that the pregnancy is not his because you always use protection when having sex with him. The way forward is to talk to him and tell him your heartfs desire.

{Gerald Odidi}

Mary, when was the last time you went for a HIV test?

I think you can still give birth to a healthy child with your husband as long as the right precautions are observed.

If you want to remain negative, be faithful to your husband. Seek advice from a medical doctor.

{George Onyango}

Count your blessings and thank God that you are HIV negative. By cheating on him, you will be putting your marriage and life on the line. Focus on remaining positive and on supporting your husband.

{Etyang Denis}

When a woman wants a child, nobody can stop her. But I must warn you that the route you want to take is risky. What would happen if he found out what you were up to? Think twice before you make a costly mistake.

{Dwayne Carter}

Mary, I believe you can still have a child with your husband without getting infected with the virus.

Visit a health facility and they will give you all the information you need. You said you have already tested for HIV and the test was negative, but I wonder if you factored in the window period or if you have taken subsequent tests.

This is a long and delicate journey so you need to have a personal doctor who will guide you through every step.

{Ogara George}

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My take:

Looking for something else

Mary, your situation is understandable. Your biological clock is ticking and you desperately want a second baby.

That said you need to approach this mater with more sobriety and understanding.

Look, your husband is HIV positive and is 60 years old, that is a tricky situation.

The HIV issue deters you from having unprotected sex with him while the age factor may work against his ability to father a child. Interestingly, his age, though an issue, is not a problem to you.

What surprises me is that you have already gone ahead and identified another man to father your second child yet you have not established his HIV status.

Your desire to have a child is understandable, but I have a feeling you want more than a baby.

Accept your fate

Sometimes in a marriage you may expect something but due to some barriers you cannot achieve it.

Sometimes you are forced to swallow the bitter pill and accept things as they are.

Marriage calls for empathy, sacrifice and focus. Identifying another man to father a child with you is not a reasonable solution. First, it is not a guarantee that he will accept your proposal.

The way forward is to focus on your marriage and act sober.

Suppose it was you who wasnft able to give him another child for various reasons, how would you feel if you found out that he was considering having a child with another woman?

What you are considering is adulterous and risky. The affair may go unnoticed for some time but a pregnancy will be spotted as soon as it begins to show.

Automatically, your husband will know that he is not responsible for it and he will ask questions. This will definitely ruin your marriage.

The road you want to take has too many risks.

Donft forget that you may expose yourself to other sexually transmitted infections if you have unprotected sex with another man.

Seek alternatives

There are many legal and morally justified alternatives for you.

First, you could try artificial insemination, though it is expensive. This is how it works.

Sperm does not contain the HIV virus and there are medical procedures that can be performed to transfer his sperm into your uterus without sexual penetration. However, these would require the consent of both parties, an open mind and patience.

Second, be content with what you have and focus on bringing up your daughter.

I am convinced that you are a woman of character; so do not lose that by doing something stupid.

You will never get it back.

{Taurus}