My husband and I been have married for five years and we have two children. We are both 30 years. A few years ago he was involved in a road accident that injured his pelvic area. This injury affected his libido and now he has no sexual urge. He has refused to seek medical help and now I am suffering because we are not intimate. My request that he sees a doctor infuriated him to the point that he moved out of our bedroom and now he sleeps on the couch. It is two years since we were last intimate and I can’t take it anymore. I love him so cheating on him is out of question. What can I do to solve this situation? I want to be sensitive about his situation but I also have needs. Please help
{Catherine}
Your take:
Catherine, this is the time your husband needs you the most. Persons with disability often have low self-esteem and it is your responsibility as his wife to help him overcome this. Men thrive in an environment where they are honoured and respected. Try dressing in sexy clothes like lingerie and treat him well.
When he is in a good mood, talk to him and convince him that he can get medical help and athat there are aids that can transform your sex life.
{Andrew Chaplin}
He may be reluctant to seek treatment because of the cost implications. You need to have an open discussion with him and tell him that you wouldn’t want anything to come between you and him that is why you want him to see a doctor. Also remember some of the consequences of cheating, like HIV and Aids and other STIs.
{Felix – Oyugisnet}
You have demonstrated a high degree of maturity for the last two years by staying in a marriage that lacks sexual intimacy. Your husband needs medical attention and you need to seek divine intervention for the sake of your marriage. I understand that you have sexual needs but do not be in a rush to stray.
{Kighambo Danson}
Catherine, please give dialogue a second and third chance. Through it, he will appreciate what you are going through. If it fails, involve a close family member and a religious leader. Prayer also works wonders.
{Victor Ongoma}
I appreciate that you have been faithful to him. However, please know that men prefer to die in silence when they have a sexual problem that requires medical attention. He also appears to be in denial. Sleeping on the couch is a sign that he is suffering from low self-esteem. Continue supporting and encouraging him and show him that he is the man of the house and all will be well.
{John Mbochi}
Do not lose hope. If you can’t convince him to see a doctor, involve a third party. However, even if he refuses to see one, you have no reason to cheat on him. Try your best to keep the vow you made to him. God will intervene and he will one day seek medical help.
{Dorbin Emmanuel}
Be open with him and tell him what you are going through. I am sure he will understand. Explain to him that moving out of the bedroom will only worsen the problem. Tell him to seek medical help otherwise the problem might cost you your marriage. If he is a wise man, he will see sense and seek help.
{Karanja David}
Approach the matter with caution but do not use this issue to cheat on him. If you do that, it would only aggravate the problem. Remember in life, everything happens for a purpose. Talk to him politely about seeing a doctor.
{Lwangu Shahonya}
Try and involve his best friend to talk to him. Or maybe he knows that his situation is medically irreversible that is why he is reluctant to seek help. You need to see a counsellor together to learn how to cope with the situation. Cheating is out of question.
{Tasma Charles}
Catherine, you are dealing with a sensitive matter. May be your husband has blocked all your ideas because he feels like you are mocking him and hence the rigid mind set. Get advice from a sexologist or a psychologist. Handle this issue with caution.
{George Ogara}
My take:
The Problem:
The injury is definite but his ability or inability to have sex following the accident is relative and needs further analysis.
Doctor Stella Zampetti says extensive or traumatic pelvic injuries mainly those involving fractures or nerve disorders are likely to affect the normal body movement. Such injuries also cause sexual dysfunction or disorientation.
The doctor says sexual disorientation could be as a result of urethral or neurologic injuries where body organs cease to perform certain functions. The doctor stresses on the need for specialised assessment to ascertain the extent of the injury and to identify possible remedial measures.
Moving towards the solution
He has refused to seek help because men feel insecure and worthless if they know that they are not performing optimally sexually. But for the good of the marriage, he needs to be convinced to seek help.
In his book How To Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie says the only way to get people to see things from their perspective is to talk to them in terms of their own interests. It matters a lot how you tell him that he needs to seek help.
He may be rebellious if you talk in terms of ‘your’ rather than ‘his’ interests.
The process
First, you have to assure him of your love and support.
Second, act in a manner to portray that you are there for the long-term regardless of his condition. Next, ascertain the extent of his injury. Point out that the injury may actually be minimal and could have even healed by now.
Remember, emphasis should not be on seeking medical attention but on knowing the extent of the damage. If you get him to see a doctor and the assessment is done, be ready to stand by him regardless of the verdict.
Dr Stella says that most pelvic injuries are not life threatening and the success rate in fixing them is high. Just be patient and supportive. Remember your love and affection is what will determine his recovery.
{Taurus}
