Walk away and stay alive

With the pressures of modern life and demanding careers, the troubles of marriage are often kept on the back burner. Many marital issues are swept under the carpet with the hope that the solutions will be found some day, somehow. This leads to a pile-up of stress, resentment and anger, which eventually may lead to marital breakdown.

While having marriage problems — big or small — is normal, the sooner one faces the facts and decides what to do about them, the better. Burying one’s head in the sand when it comes to marital woes won’t make these problems go away. In fact, they’ll probably just get worse. Recently we have witnessed two sad events, when former TV journalist Wambui Kabiru and celebrated Olympic marathon champion Samuel Wanjiru lost their lives as a result of domestic wrangles.

Because the social stigma associated with separation is great, many couples stomach a lot, choosing to take the marital vows "till death do us part" literally, with some marriages ending in fatalities.

Dr Chris Hart, a relationship psychologist, notes that it is sad that couples have chosen to fight one another from within their marriages instead of walking out of these unions.

He notes that the social and cultural stigma associated with walking out of the relationship causes fear of the society and inability to question its demands and expectations.

"This stigma is so high that couples would rather suffer within marriage than walk out. Many a times, women and men in troubled relationships will say ‘I want my children to have a complete family unit’," he adds.

But staying put in a marriage that is literally on its deathbed because of children, or even the fear of the gruelling divorce process is not a solution. It is in fact for the benefit of the children that you should walk out. That way, you can raise them in a peaceful and stable environment. There are many people who have had a successful second chance at marriage after walking out of abusive and unfruitful unions.

Generally, most married people fight about money, sex, bad attitudes and infidelity. Insufficient and inconsistent communication, frequent verbal fights, violence, infidelity, lack of affection, social and psychological distance are some of the warning signs that marital bliss is waning.

"There are even cases where one partner will have an affair just to get back at the other partner for infidelity. This type of revenge never works, as two wrongs never make a right. It only fuels the animosity between partners," Dr Hart adds.

Dr Agnes Zani, a sociologist, points out that the frustrations within young marriages could be because couples still have different visions and plans, and each is trying to do it his or her way. This affects the communication and commitment to one another.

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