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The bigger the country, the smaller the man

Updated Monday, November 21st 2011 at 00:00 GMT +3
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Every man’s dream is to be ‘big’ where it matters, but FERDINAND MWONGELA warns big could be the reason countries, and its men are dirt poor

Apparently, a tycoon is filthy rich because he is tiny where it matters while his watchman is poor because he is well endowed.

So suggests Mr Tatu Westling of the University of Helsinki in a research report titled, Male Organ and Economic Growth: Does Size Matter?

His views, which are likely to leave Kenyan men — at least the rich ones — bristling with fury, says a country’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product) is inversely proportional to the average national size of the male organ.

So gentlemen, do not believe the cock and bull stories from ‘fiscal policy experts’ explaining why Kenya’s economy is not growing as much as it was a few years ago.

The answer is not in inflation, or Al Shabaab taking a few pot shots at tourists and all that mumbo jumbo. It is in your pants — or shuka, depending on your fashion preference.

As the good man from Helsinki points out, "A unit centimetre increase in its (male organ) physical dimension was found to reduce GDP growth by five to seven per cent between 1960 and 1985. Quite remarkable is the finding that the male organ alone can explain 20 per cent of the between-country variation in GDP growth rates in the period."

Copy pasting this model, lets come home. We can conclude that in the early 90s, Kenyan men were on a roll — in the sack that is, as the economy shrivelled and withered. This report would have us believe it was party time in bedrooms. Jogoo! Kanu juu!

But after Kibaki came to power, the economy shot up and our women must have wept in bitterness. But thank God for small mercies because we were quickly back to our element as the economy nosedived in 2008.

Annoyingly, the economy is inching up and our men are shrinking, or so it would appear.

Mzee Jomo Kenyatta was no good to men, either. In his time, the country’s economy grew at an average of 6.6 per cent between 1963 and 1973. So we most likely handed over our manhoods to the British and tearfully sang goodbye as Malcolm MacDonald, the last colonial governor, crawled onto a flight back to the seat of the empire. He left with his tail between his legs and ours in his pocket.

If this research had focused on Kenya in that period, our men would have been a ridiculed lot because it would appear the Mau Mau, for all their valour, took us for a ride and left our ‘uhuru’ gathering frostbite in the chilly glades of the Aberdare Forest.

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