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Sex to the rescue: 5 step aid plan for your marital bed

Between The Sheets
 Photo:Courtesy

The fire has died down in your bedroom and you and your partner are having a silent war over whose fault it is. JUDITH MWOBOBIA consulted professionals for a rescue plan and tells us why there should be no more excuses for the existence of those cobwebs

After a couple of years together, the fire that blazed between two slowly settles into slow-burning embers. Sometimes it fizzles out altogether. It’s not anyone’s fault, just what routine and familiarity is bound to do.

But what can you do to rekindle the fire in your sex life? What are some of the things that you can do to bring back the spark and salvage your relationship?

As Maggie Gitu, a marriage, family and sex therapist says, “Sex is hardly ever just about sex. Often when the sex is “off”, it could be a case of missing intimacy.” So how do you remedy that?

1. Establish a three-hour rule

This is a period when in a week, you get to have three private hours. Away from the kids, away from work and away from your phone. Just you and your spouse. You could choose to talk or do something you both loved doing in your dating years, something that is unrelated to your role as a parent. Did you go to the movies a lot?

Indulge in hours of Playstation fun? Did you take long walks at Arboretum or plaing pool at that estate joint. Whatever your ‘thing’ was, do it. This will foster intimacy and reignite the spark.

“The best way to bring that spark is by re-anchoring the relationship in your friendship,” explains Maggie Gitu, a marriage, family and sex therapist. “Spend time together and re- establish what it is that brought the two of you together.”

2. Find yourself

Most women, being naturally the nurturers and caregivers in a family, tend to forget their individual interests and passions. You cease to be Jane the person and fully become Jane the Mum and Jane the Wife. Find time to read your books, see your friends, revive your dreams, that way, you place on yourself the responsibility to be happy.

And when with your man you have new and interesting views to share, because you have interests other than what holds the two of you together as a unit. “Human beings thrive on diversity. If you do the whole enchilada together, there is nothing new to bring to the relationship — and that’s what keeps it dynamic and alive,” says Doreen Mwangi, a Nairobi-based relationship counsellor.

3. Banish the pet names

Many couples slide into the habit of pet names like hun, babe, sweetie and others right from courtship.

This is the first step down the slippery slope toward a bland and non-existent sexual relationship, or what is called “the roommate syndrome”, according to co-authors Julienne Davis and Maggie Arana.

In their book, Stop Calling Him Honey... and Start Having Sex, they write, “When you’re both calling each other ‘love’, or ‘hun’, a small part of your identity is being eroded. You are taking away each other’s individuality, their female/maleness and, most importantly, their differences to you. Cutesy terms of endearment desexualise your relationship. But using his name signals your intention to shift the dynamic between you from cuddly mates to two sexual beings.”

4. Play the game

Have fun with your man. Life is serious enough without making every aspect of your relationship methodical.

“Add novelty to the relationship; have sex in different places, send each other saucy suggestive messages and generally bring out your playful self. Sex is ultimately a game and games are no fun if so serious. Leave your troubles at the bedroom door and have some fun,” says Maggie.

5. Stay curious

It is inevitable that once you settle into a relationship, the fascination with your spouse slowly ebbs away as familiarity seeps in. You no longer ask how their day was, what they did during the day, their feelings on particular issues etc. You may unknowingly be taking each other for granted. And after a while, this will take a toll onto your sex life.

In the book, How to Have Great Sex for the Rest of Your Life, Val Sampson, a relationship expert writes, “Never lose your curiosity about your partner’s point of view, no matter how close you are. When he tells you about his day, don’t immediately interrupt with an ‘I-can-

top-that’ story. Instead, ask him for more detail — how he thought and felt about the situation.”

And as he speaks, put the phone away and desist from keeping up with the TV show you are watching, Sampson writes.

“Give your partner your full attention while he’s talking — turn your body to face him and make eye contact,” she adds. It won’t be long before he reflects the same back.

 

 

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