My wife cheated on me with a colleague, it pains me that she sees him everyday at work

I discovered my wife was having an affair with a colleague. It’s now been five months since I found out and the pain has not lessened.

I am still with her, but every day I think about what she did.

She still sees this man at work and it rips me apart knowing that he’s in the same room as her. When I broach the subject with her, though, she brushes it off by saying she realises what she did and would never do it again. I want to believe her, but it hurts so much.

It’s now affecting my health as I’m drinking far too much, but I just want the hurt to go away. I still love her but I can’t get over the betrayal.

One of the problems is that hardly anyone knows about what happened – only my wife, the man she cheated with, myself, a friend and my ex-counsellor.

My friend told me not to mention it to the others in our group of friends, as most of them would not speak to my wife again. The result is, I have no one to talk to. I did attend counselling sessions at first, but had to stop these because it was becoming too costly.

I don’t know what else to try. Do I just soldier on and make it work or cut my losses and break up with her?

What do you think?

Coleen says

I think you need time apart to help you decide if you can ever get over it.

You might miss her terribly and realise you can’t live without her or it might be a massive relief. I know it probably feels like an eternity to you since you found out about the affair, but it’s only been five months and it can take a very long time to get over and move on properly. I’ve known couples that have taken two or three years to feel settled in their relationship again.

I don’t blame you for feeling stressed and angry that she’s still working with this man – I don’t think many people would put up with that. Is there nothing that can be done about that situation?

Also, the fact that you are keeping it secret from friends is probably killing you. That’s just protecting her from disapproval, judgment and gossip, while you’re forced to hold in all your feelings.

What you need to tell yourself is that you’re really unhappy at the moment with her, so how much more unhappy would you be without her for a while?

You can’t feel any worse than you already do.

When it comes to a decision like this, everyone has to get there in their own time. When it came to ending my first marriage, I hung on for two years longer than I should have done. I spent months rifling through his stuff every time he left the house and never believed what he told me. It wore me down so much and I was in so much pain that I finally accepted I couldn’t feel any worse if I were to leave him.

But it took me a long time to get to the point where I knew I didn’t want to be with someone I didn’t trust to go out to buy a newspaper on his own.

Only you know whether you’ll be able to move on, but take time out to consider it properly. I do know a couple who are still together after one of them had an affair 30 years ago.

They’re happy and they made a success of their marriage, but it took a long time and a lot of hard work.