My older partner is such a nice, kind man - but I don’t fancy him at all

Dear Coleen

I’m with a man who is quite a lot older than I am – I’m 26 and he is 42.

He really is a great guy and we have a lovely three-year-old daughter. He also has four children from previous relationships.

He always tells me he loves me and is very kind-hearted, but I’ve never been attracted to his appearance. I fell for his kindness and his attitude to life, but now I feel like I need to be with someone else.

I feel very confused about my feelings because when I see another guy I find attractive, I start imagining what it would be like to be with him in a different kind of relationship.

I have everything that I need – a wonderful family life with my partner – but I’ve almost broken up with him several times. Something always pulls me back to him, though, which makes me feel so disappointed in myself.

I am not physically attracted to my partner at all and when he wants to kiss or have sex, it makes me feel sick. But I love him.

What’s up with me? I cannot make any sense of these feelings.

Coleen says

You love him as a friend and you love all those wonderful things about him – he’s a great family man, he treats you well, he’s a good dad and so on.

On paper it looks great, but your gut instinct is telling you that it’s not and if the physical attraction isn’t there, you can’t force it. And you are very young to be giving up that side of things.

Yes, there’s always a risk that you’ll finish with him and date someone you fancy like crazy who isn’t as reliable and loving, but you can’t stay with someone just because they make you feel secure.

I think you want to end it, but you’re just scared of doing it. It is a scary thing, but in the long run it’s harder and lonelier to be with someone you’re not happy with.

And it’s not fair on him either – he also deserves to be with someone who loves him wholeheartedly.

If and when you do decide to end things, you don’t have to tell him it’s because you don’t fancy him – say that while you love him as a friend and as the father of your child, you’re not in love with him any more.

That’s honest enough.

I'm so lonely in this relationship

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years but he never seems to want to plan anything with me. He blames it on a lack of money yet he has just booked a week’s holiday with work colleagues. I don’t mind him doing that, but I do mind that he won’t do anything like that with me!

I’m a good woman and I understand with us both having children from previous relationships that I won’t always be his priority but I’d just like to be put first once in a while. I feel lost and second best all the time and I think I deserve better.

Or do you think I am just being needy and selfish?

Coleen says

I think you need to put your foot down, love! It’s not being selfish to expect to go out for a meal or have a weekend away with your fella now and again.

And if he can afford to go away with his workmates then he can afford to spend a bit of cash doing some nice things with you.

It could be that he’s just missing the romance gene, so there’s nothing wrong in you taking the initiative at first and booking a night away or a meal at a restaurant and showing him what you expect from your relationship and how nice it can be.

But if he starts worming his way out of things then you need to look at the relationship and ask him how he sees your future. Is he just looking for someone to come home to after he’s been out having a good time with his mates? It could be that he’s taking you for granted.

My husband is leaving me for another man

Dear Coleen

My husband of 33 years has told me he is leaving me for another man and I don’t know how to handle the situation.

Do I wait for him to realise this is just a mid-life crisis or do I kick him out? I am 60 years old and there are 12 years left on our mortgage. I cannot afford to pay it on my own.

I’m so confused and don’t know what to do for the best.

Coleen says

This must have come as a real shock after 33 years of marriage. And because he’s left you for someone of the same sex, naturally you question your entire marriage and worry that it’s all been a lie and a sham.

The first thing you have to do is take back some control. Don’t sit around waiting for him to make a decision. I’d say it’s unlikely his feelings are down to a mid-life crisis and he’s probably wanted to explore this side of his sexuality for some time.

You need to give each other some space right now, so if he’s still living at home with you, make alternative arrangements.

He can’t have his cake and eat it – see this man and then come home to his lovely settled home life with you. That would be upsetting for you and make it very hard for you to move on.

As far as the house and finances go, you simply need to sit down and have a discussion about what you each want to do when the time feels right. Hopefully, if you sell the house, you’d be left with a reasonable amount of money to split once you’d paid off the mortgage.

Speak to the bank and find out where you stand. Finding these things out gives you strength to take control of the situation.

Your say:

In reply to the girl who wrote in saying she’s too shy to go out, I was shy too at her age. I had a low-paid job but decided to apply for bar work in a hotel to earn some extra money.

It was daunting at first, but the staff and customers were lovely and I soon settled in.

The beauty of bar work is that you’re earning (not spending) while socialising and it really brings you out of your shell.

She should give it a try. She might love it!
Kim, London

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