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Breadwinner husbands under siege as wives take over

Updated Mon, November 11th 2013 at 00:00 GMT +3


KENYA: The song you got to have a J.O.B if you want to be with me has apparently lost meaning in a good percentage of Kenyan relationships and marriages.

Better still, the idea that a man has to be wealthy, bearing a handsome wallet, a good house and all that stuff to find a girl to date and later marry, has remained a reserve for a selected few.

There is a new breed of women that has emerged — feminist of the second generation. They have honestly sought to demystify the art of gold digging that has become so synonymous with modern day relationships and marriages.

These women have made it so safe to say that the dramatic shift from the storybook family with dad as the main breadwinner is under siege. More and more of them are becoming the main or even sole earners in an increased number of homes in Kenya.

These women are wealthy. They work hard for their money. They are the beacon of hope to their families because they are, unfortunately, married to a broke man — a man earning less that what she makes. Or worse still, stays at home to be provided for— what sociologists refer to as househusbands.

Massive shift

Their household is blessed with beautiful children; those women love their men to the core such that they would go an extra mile just to boost their hubbies ego as well as make them look ‘with it’ in society.

They fund holidays, buy them cars, fuel, and just make sure the family runs well. They are basically breadwinners, but won’t show to the neigbour next door or publicly.

Traditionally, women were strongly focused on the family and its wellbeing. This phenomenon has clearly signaled a massive shift in modern family dynamics. With more empowered women coming forward to actively manage household income.

The motives are relatively complicated to understand. Would it be because more women are getting into the masters class, hence landing top paying jobs? Could it be that the man compensates for his financial shortcomings elsewhere — in the bedroom? Or maybe they are just the ever-elusive perfect women every man is looking for? And would such marriages stand test of time? After dropping off their children at their posh school in one of the effluent estates to the south of Nairobi, Betty Kittony and another mother shared a secret. All along, Betty had assumed they had a pretty conventional marriage with her chest-beating breadwinner husband.

The embarrassing truth the other mother confided to Betty was that she was her family’s sole support as the husband puttered around the house.

“She kind of indicated they were living on her money, and I was surprised that just like me, she looked and sounded okay,” Betty says. And perhaps a little relieved. Betty had all along thought she was the only mother in that school supporting a stay-at-home husband. “Its just like one of those things,” she says, “where you realise you are married to people who drink or smoke weed.”

Lose respect

Harold Ayodo, a Nairobi based lawyer says: “The truth of the matter is that there are many women like Betty in our society today. Most of them live in posh estates like Runda, Karen, Nyari, name them.”

He adds that these are tell tale signs of how dynamic our society has become. And to compound the matter, there is finally a significant number of women reaching parity with men in their field. Some earn more salaries, bonus and perk than their husbands, which signify their arrival, thanks to evening classes vis a vis bars — where men spend their evening and money.

“While women are flocking masters classes in the evening, taking those risky trips to China and Dubai to access business ventures, most men are in the bar guzzling down their favourite drink as they catch up on the latest politic and gossip of who is the hottest new chic in town. They wake up next morning to compete for the same position at work or the same shares in the market,” says Ayodo.

This shift in economic power gives women more choices; not least among them the ability to reappraise their partners while the husbands may find that being financially dependent isn’t exactly a turn-on.

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