This is the sure-fire formula to becoming a celebrity and maintaining a place in the glitsy and seemingly exciting world of Celebville.
In a cut-throat industry where actors can go off their rockers when it comes to salary negotiations, US magazine TV Guide has revealed what some of the biggest names in television earn. See what Ashton Kutcher, Kaley Cuoco and the Kardashians earn.
After spending countless hours on the couch with lots of food and a double dose of much needed vegetation while watching entertainment television, I'm convinced that I've finally found the formula to becoming a celebrity and maintaining a place in the glitsy and seemingly exciting world of Celebville.
We can all lie to ourselves and attribute celeb status to pure talent, but after spending time in Celebville from the comfort of my couch, it dawned on me (again) that major strings have to be pulled if you want to be a celeb that keeps the paparazzi in business. And after all, it's always great to chuckle at the stupid stunts that celebs pull because it offers a break from the hum-drumness of life.
And the drama that celebs always find themselves in makes me feel like I don't have any problems, and it makes for great conversation during tea breaks at the office.
So to become a celebrity, you obviously need good looks to grab attention and a bit of talent to convince the masses that you're good at what you do, or else you won't really get your big break. But the biggest break comes when you apply the seven habits of highly effective celebs.
The sex tape
Modern day Celebvillians have shown that recorded sex sells. There are countless people that I know of that are still ranting and raving about the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape. I'm pretty sure that if Youtube was allowed to broadcast sex tape videos that this particular one would still trend worldwide. And that's how I got to know about Kim and her family; never mind the fact that her dad was OJ Simpson's defence attorney. And let's not forget 'your royal highness' Prince Harry's naked spree in Vegas with a mystery woman. Royal buttocks have never trended so much on the lips of everyone, and I'm sure he got a royal high 5 from normal folk for being such a bad boy. So get nude and press record to earn your way into Celebville.
Unfortunately in Celebville, looks are everything so if the human-beauty-curvy side of Mother Nature somehow forgot about you, consider yourself unsuccessful for the glitsy world. Nicki Minaj might be a good rapper, but her huge butt and enormous breasts are her biggest selling points. I don't think she would be as popular as she is now if it wasn't for her toosh. So ladies, catch on to the new revelation; if you want to enter Celebville, note that skinny is outdated and bootylicious is the new pretty. If you can sing, rap or act, that's great, but if you're skinny, the spotlight will fail to see you. Round edges capture the attention now.
Yes, get hitched, but not for too long because tradition in Celebville is that marriages aren't supposed to work. They should work for a minimum of 72 days or so but afterwards, all ties must be cut so that your name and the collapse of your marriage can be splashed on all front pages of the tabloids. If you were a relatively known person before your marriage, superstar status is all yours once the divorce is announced (yes Kris, I started knowing about you when you become Mr Kardashian for 72 days).
Weep on TV and in the papers due to the atrocities committed to your poor heart and express dramatic disbelief if you were the one cheated on. And if you're doing the cheating, make sure you cheat with someone who has a high position in the industry, and better yet, make sure he's married. If Kristen Stewart could pull this off and Rob Pattinson is milking the tabloids for all their worth, then this is a key into Celebville.
You always have to rock the boat to make sure that cameras remain in constant flash mode on you. Have sexual exploits go wrong (really Kris Humphries, you had to give her herpes); fail to pay your hotel bills (Lindsay, over $40 000, that's a lot of money) and tell your girlfriend that you're giving her a wardrobe makeover (Kanye, I don't know if this is a compliment or an insult, but hey, what girl would say no to free clothes!) Do something outrageous, throw a tantrum and better yet, take it to Twitter. Nothing's better than stirring up trouble and making noise in Celebville. You'll earn a lot of love or hate brownie points for it.
If you're a good girl or boy, become a bad one
They call it 'coming into your own' in Celebville. It's more like coming into your own madness. The thing about Celebville is that innocent girls and guys aren't too welcome because they seem like Disney Channel teeny weenies that never grew up. So you have to start doing crazy, sexual stuff with your boyfriend (thanks Miley Cyrus for this point), you have to pull zap signs and start dancing provocatively and half-naked on stage, and you have to start fights at a club over a girl (side eyes Breezy and Drizzy). Consider this bad girl/bad boy madness a necessary rite of passage into Celebville.
Have a reality TV show
You don't need to be an entertainment genius for this one. Just exaggerate your everyday life to make it chaotic and somewhat interesting and get cameras to follow you wherever you go. Half of all programmes we see on TV are reality shows so you would be quite stupid to let your life fly by right before your eyes without recording it and broadcasting it to the world. Trust me, you will get famous quite quickly. If it could work for the Kardashians and those countless housewives of Atlanta and Miami and so on and so forth, it will surely work for you.
So there you have it, the seven habits of highly effective celebs. You can apply these formulas should you want quick and relatively easy entry into Celebville, but do note that terms and conditions apply.
Normality will never apply to you again.
- Adapted from Channel 24