Art of waiting: How taking it slow builds desire in dating

Love is an art, with wooing being the first brushstroke. The man captivates the woman with thoughtful romantic expressions. Onto their canvas of a blooming relationship, the two slowly form beautiful shapes from their unique experiences, similarities, and contrasts.

Does this gradual approach build up desire between lovers? Jamaican singer Jahmiel thinks so, as he delves into the beauty of romantic anticipation in his timeless song Waiting, in which he serenades his love interest.

The chorus goes:

"It’s like the more I wait, is the more I want youShe know she beautiful but mi know me a star tooAnd I’m not used to this waitingBut for your love, I’ll be anticipatingIt’s like the more I wait, is the more I want you."

Kendi Karimi, novelist of What I Mean When I Talk About Love, cleaves to the long-held belief that men are more drawn to women who are a challenge to get. When it is a task to gain the attention of their romantic interests, men view their time together as special.

Kendi advises women to practise slight elusiveness by being selective about whom they share their energy and time with.

“Men prefer if you keep them waiting rather than always being available. They will spend time with you when they see the value of your presence,” she says.

She adds, “It plays with the scarcity principle, which enhances anticipation and desire. It suggests that people assign value to what is hard to get.”

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Women filling up their time with worthwhile hobbies, interests, and connections is like casting a love spell. Instead of pretending to be busy—which may seem like manipulation and mind games—you actually are, more for your own sake than to prove a point. Your active life will be evident to him, so using that as a mind game tool is likely to push him away.

“When a man plans to meet, you create time for that without necessarily interfering with the things you like to do. Be present when you two are together; it makes them feel valued, which makes them pour into you more,” Kendi suggests.

Accountant Gillian Owino says a man’s initial show of interest sparks curiosity in her. The first date is about getting acquainted, and by the end of it, both parties should know if they want to continue seeing each other.

“I get more comfortable on the second date, and I wouldn’t want my time wasted after this. The interest has grown, so show me that you want me,” she asserts.

Gillian is content with taking things slowly as long as there is consistency in building the connection. She stresses that boredom can build up when two people become too familiar with each other, leading to disappointed expectations.

“I like it when a man keeps the connection exciting by building momentum or maintaining the same courting energy. If you start taking me out in the beginning, don’t become a homebody once I agree to a relationship,” she says.

Expressionist artist Arthur Odhiambo, intrigued by the suspenseful and anticipatory nature of courtship, believes that it is the woman who gives a relationship its structure.

“It is the woman who gives it direction. The man is always in the moment and stays as long as the woman is in it and meets his expectations. Men lead in providing security in life, while the woman leads in intimacy,” he opines.

Visual artist *Emily says that taking things at a gradual pace helps in building emotional intimacy, which feeds into sexual intimacy.

“Withholding physical intimacy in the beginning creates discipline and discernment. You genuinely look forward to the connection, and you are able to listen to your intuition,” *Millicent adds.

This is an opinion agreed upon by Gillian, who believes a woman shouldn’t give in right away or show extreme eagerness when a man shows interest. Getting to know a person tests patience and a deeper level of interest.

“You have to present yourself in a way that makes him curious about you. This approach should not last too long, or else one or both of you may lose interest. If you keep a man waiting for too long, he will wonder whether you want him,” Gillian says.

She further adds that it is a major red flag if one or both parties speed up a connection. It suggests they don’t care about getting to know the other person or that they don’t want the relationship for the right reasons.

Woodcut print artist Becky Ndunde also believes that being hard to get will filter out non-serious men.

“Sometimes men assume that we are playing hard to get when we are simply not interested,” says Becky.

Sociologist Dr Kiemo Karatu explores the significance of a woman taking things slow to establish a foundation for a stable relationship.

“In our cultures, we are taught that if you are quick to accept a relationship invitation, it is a demonstration of weakness. The essence of being hard to get is to gather as much information as possible and to understand the values of this person,” he notes.

He adds, “The more I wait, the more I want you” totally makes sense. Relationships are a form of art. You don’t want to spoil the fun by losing the flavour of it. Waiting is simply postponed gratification."

Dr Kiemo cautions that if you remain hard to get for too long, your potential partner may feel disappointed and assume that you aren’t interested. He advises that the best way to keep them hooked is to progress the relationship at a pace that feels comfortable for both people.

For romantics, one way to embrace the slow courtship stage is by planning something special for your significant other. When the emotions of wanting to spend every minute with them overwhelm you, channel that energy into creating something meaningful for when you are together. Think of a gift, a letter, a playlist, a date idea, or any other sentimental activity for the two of you.

*Emily bonded with her family and larger community, learnt new recipes, and created art during the early stages of dating her now-partner.

“I perceived it was going to happen when it was going to. I had no anticipation whatsoever when he was courting me because I had been single for a number of years before I got into this partnership,” she says.