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Hi Chris!
My husband never stops criticising me. I’m not sure he even realises it, but he constantly compares my cooking, clothes, job, and so on unfavourably with other people’s, and it’s really wearing me down. How do I get him to stop?
Criticised
Chris says,
Hi Criticised!
You only have control over yourself, so trying to get your husband to change won’t be easy. A better way is for you to change. That doesn’t mean accepting his behaviour, it means changing your behaviour in a way that makes him better.
Constant criticism is exhausting, whether it’s about your cooking, clothes, parenting, career, or whatever. He probably thinks he has your best interests at heart, or it could just be a habit he’s gotten into.
Whatever it is, getting him to behave differently depends on how you react to his criticism. If you get upset, you’ll reinforce his behaviour. Instead, you need him to see you as confident and relaxed, even when you’re seething inside.
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Every situation is different, but a good way to achieve this is to be calm and polite, and not to take the bait.
So don’t respond to his criticism, and don’t get drawn into the argument. Instead, say nothing at all for a few moments, because there’s a good chance that your lack of reaction will stop his comments.
But if it doesn’t, just stay calm and say something like “Thanks for your suggestion, I’ll think about it,” and then move on to something else. The idea is to avoid making him feel like he’s on top of you. Then his comments will almost certainly become less and less frequent.
But what if some of his criticisms are true? If you’re resisting good advice, ask yourself why you’re reacting the way you are.
Understanding your reaction to it will help you put things into perspective. So you can take his advice when it’s useful and reject the rest. And start to have a more equal relationship with him.
All the best,
Chris
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