Wives hate husbands who arrive home after midnight, smelling like a liquor store. What wives never know is that it is never intentional. You arrive in the bar innocently for a drink, before you know old friends, new friends, colleagues, relatives and their exes arrive and before you know it, you are having a reunion on a Wednesday evening. And among men, you never say NO to a drink offered.
Then when you get home, you find a wife who is so cold, so bitter and you would rather approach a pissed off buffalo than her. And for a week, she will give you the silent treatment, and tantrums to last you a lifetime. Now, there is a code that men should stick to when they decide to go out.
You know this from experience. Here are 10 rules for drinking husbands.
1. Ask for permission. You can brag in the bar that you are on top of things (no pun) at your home, but call or text her when everyone is looking away. Tell her the exact location, who you are hanging out with (presumably it is not a mpango). It is little courtesy that can save you so much cold treatment and mistreatment. It is always embarrassing if you get involved in an accident, or you get arrested in some part of town when she knows you were in the local.
2. Never stay out past midnight twice in the same week. That is adolescent. That is irresponsible. You are running from a certain reality and it is not your wife. You are breaking up your family gradually. You will wake up to find kids all grown up and they don't feel your vibe.
3. As frequently as possible tag your wife along. Often, they get tired and will leave you alone. But always let her know that she can join you any time or day she wants.
4. As much as possible, never get home past 2 am. It shows you are a college boy trapped in a body of 36-year-old man. Nothing pisses a woman so much. She will not trust you with any responsibility.
5. As you spend on your boys, remember to spend as much on your family. Men are so stupid, we spend so much on our boys and can forget to treat the family, buy the wife some gift, and children something. We never really account for the thousands we waste out here on fellow men.
6. Eat before you go drinking. Inform people not to include you in the supper budget. These are strange times, no need to waste food. Besides, rather than arrive to a meal of cabbage that stares back to you like ogres, take care of that. But tell them in advance.
7. When you arrive home past midnight, make as minimal noise as possible. Float around the house as much as possible, and brush your teeth, don't go to bed smelling like a liquor store. Increasingly few women can put up with that bullshit.
8. Learn to say NO to any drink bought for you past 1 a.m. Find whatever excuse, or throw the round before it is thrown your way.
9. Hang out with mature people. Not young or misguided men who will try to chide you to have false courage against your wife, when you know your wife will nag or give the coldest treatment ever accorded a human being.
10. Stay home in random weekends. It is always a good ruse when you want to go out the next weekend.
Stick with these rules and you will drink longer and live longer and your wife will give you less hell.