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KCSE:The Kanyari chem/CRE exam

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The following twenty examination questions each carry an average of five marks.

Please attempt every question to experience a miracle.

1) Using Mr Kanyari as an example, pliz write an essay about false prophets in the modern age.

2) Could it be that the good doctor was just touching ‘goods’ in order to mark October and cure breast cancer?

3) When Kanyari was a toto, his nickname was ‘Kanyonyo.’ True or false? Explain.

4) The anointing oil that Kanyari used on those nyonyos was originally sourced from Turkwell in Turkana (explain).

5) Why is Kanyari not already the CEO of Kenya Seed Company, like, yesterday? Seriously? For ‘crias’ sake!

6) In exchange for Kenyan mbegus, the Chinese have appointed Kanyiri as their Kahumbu, to protect the Chinese panda from poachers. Why?

7) It is a great sin to describe the good prophet as a ‘seedy preacher.’ Explain why you burn in hell if you do.

8) Why is it mandatory to get a permit from the Ministry of Agriculture before unaenda kupanda mbegu?

9) If Ferguson revives his old referee Mpesa, explain why Man U will beat Arsenal 3-1 or 0 tomorrow nyte.

(b) Will Van Gal play them (Man U) a 3-1-0 formation in their football clash against Arsenal tomorrow.

10) How many bonga points do you think Kanyiri has, and will have, by Christmas?

11) Ati Lupita was just a curtain raiser for Kanyiri’s Oscar in 2015? Expound on the phrase ‘your daydreams are valid.’

12) Southampton is second in the EPL because Wanyama sends 310 sterling pounds to Kanyiri’s every Sunday through MoneyGram. True or false (prophet)?

13) Why are Kanyari’s lines busier than the Safcom customer service line? Explain.

14) Ati Kanyiri used pottasium permangate in the Olde Testament to make Egypt’s rivers run red with ‘blood’? (bloody hell)!

15) If Kanyiri had finished up to ‘bomu bore’ (form four), si kweli angepata ‘A’ plain in Chemistry?

16) But si if he had real powers, he’d have made ‘Jicho Kipofu’ to blind Allan Namu na Mo Ali from ‘seeing’ the ukweli?

17) Explain HR’s role in ‘employee satisfaction’ to stop leaked testimonies from damaging the organization in the public eye.

18) Ati Kanyari got only 310 marks in KCPE?

19) But in spite of dropping out in Bomu Two, leaks the Chem KCSE paper every year, especially in Kisii?

20) Create your own fake question in this exam. Get five free marks for ‘cheating’ and answering it in any god damn way you want.

(Put down your pencil. This exam is dedicated to the retiring reverend Macharia in Starch, was invigilated by Smitta, n will be marked by Mwalimu Wanjiku. Kiss yur success card goodbye, n slowly fly out of the exam room past that bored AP in the corner chewing gum. He may be bored now, but will not be here kesho coz he’ll have an exciting nyte leo - killing his cheating wife, her lover and himself with that ricketty Gee Three rifle sitting on his lap).

photo:africagossipnews.com

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