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Tale of 54-year-old virgin and why virginity is no longer virtue

Most Kenyans don't value virginity any more. In fact, many people now frown upon it. Why is this the case? Has society become so immoral that virgins are ridiculed, so much so that the few available are no longer proud, but embarrassed of it? TONY MALESI and NDUKU MUEMA find out

Two granddaughters in Kakamega Town are still reeling from shock after their visiting grandmother spilled the beans that her 54 year-old daughter (a guardian who lives with them) is still a virgin!

The granny was unwell and had visited her daughter to help her seek medical attention at the Kakamega Provincial General Hospital. And as it happens with older people in the company of younger ones, one midmorning while sunning herself, the granny began storytelling.

Midway into her narrations, using her walking stick, she playfully poked an absent minded Dinah, 26 (the elder of the two cousins), in the ribs before teasing and making fun of her.

"For the time I have been around here, I have not seen any man hover around or try to talk to you suggestively. By the way, do you have a boyfriend?" she chuckled, as a tickled Jacky, 24, laughed her head off. Before Dinah could answer, the granny added: "And by the way, you are taking too long, you need to get married. Or you want me to die before enjoying your dowry?"

Immediately, a hearty Jacky interjected and jokingly chided the granny, telling her, "You are just making fun of other people's children, how about your own Clara (their guardian)? Why isn't she married, yet she is 54 years old?" The granny laughed, spat and whispered.

"Psst! There are things I would have told you but you people like gossiping, and I fear you will broadcast it to everyone. And Clara will get angry at me," the granny said. "Come on granny, just tell us...we will not tell anyone," pleaded Dinah, as a cheerful Jacky moved her seat even closer in anticipation.

"Would you believe it? Hehe! Clara is still a virgin," the granny let the cat out of the bag. Tickled Jacky and Dinah rolled on the ground with laughter. When Jacky recovered, she prodded her granny for more juice. "Are you sure? Or you are just entertaining us?" asked Jacky. The granny wasn't willing to offer much, saying that Clara feared (and probably still did) men in her youth.

"Many tried to woo her, but she proved to be a hard nut to crack. However, much later I remember she had a dream of getting married to a white man; a dream that has never come to pass, and she seems to have given up. At some point, Clara was ready for marriage. But kept saying if she was to get married, it would have to be to a mzungu. Unfortunately as far as I'm concerned, she has never gotten a chance to even date one," said the granny.

And when the two granddaughters doubted the story and asked her how sure she was, she chided them: "How do I benefit by lying? It's a secret I, her mother, have known for so long and just the other day, here (pointing Clara's house), she reminded me no man has 'touched' her. She said her virginity is a small personal matter that shouldn't bother anyone. And that since men stopped hitting on her decades ago, she feels she might never lose it," revealed the granny.

True to form, when Jacky shared this shocking tale with Crazy Monday, we contacted Clara, a born again business lady in Kakamega. When asked why she chose to live a celibate life, the aging virgin said: "It's a personal choice. In fact, I have never had a boyfriend".

When further asked, albeit indirectly due to the sensitivity of the matter, whether she means she has never had relations with any man, Clara simply blushed and said no. "Sex and marriage are overrated. As to why I have never been married, all I can say it's a personal choice," she concluded.

Could she be one in a million, in as far as aging virgins are concerned? In Kenya today, virginity is frowned upon, or so it seems. Virginity, a once highly regarded badge of moral excellence is no longer valued. So immoral is our society that virgins are ridiculed, so much so that some are always in a hurry to lose it. If media reports are anything to go by, girls and boys as young as 9 engage in sexual relations.

So valued was virginity that in some cultures, that during consummation of a marriage, witnesses had to be present to give a report of whether or not the woman was a virgin(in the Bible - Deuteronomy 22 - we are told Israelites stoned to death such characters!). Some of those cultures no longer check for nor care about virginity.

Today, nobody seems to give a damn if you are a virgin. Talking to this writer, both men and women seem to have very little regard for virginity. Many men are hesitant about dating or marrying virgins.

Take for instance the case of Vincent*, a 28 year old, single human resource officer who argues that dating a virgin is like hiring someone without experience, yet they come to the company with dozens of expectations.

"A virgin woman above 24 years believes that you have to marry her no matter what. She comes with lots of demands and thinks she owes you a lot, for breaking her virginity," says Vincent, who discloses that he had it rough when he had to break up with a 25-year-old woman, months after 'deflowering' her.

When asked about the oldest virgins they have met, and whether they would date them. Kenyans had interesting things to say. Japheth Okoma, 28, an army man says a virgin is a no go zone for him. He says taking away a woman's flower is tough job. No fun about it. "I deflowered one who was 26, and it was a herculean task. My advice to men who have never had the displeasure is to never try," warns Japheth. He proceeds to add that he can't marry one. "I can't pay for a car I haven't test-driven! I prefer a slightly experienced woman," says Japheth.

"It happened to me many years ago. I tried all night in vain. It was frustrating, it felt like I was trying to open a padlock using the wrong key...it was that stupid feeling you experience when you forget your password!" say Jack Nunda, 43, an engineer.

 

Jack is of the view that a virgin cannot make a good wife or husband. "A good spouse is one who has seen it all and is ready to settle down. A wife who starts learning stuff on the wedding night can easily stray after the excitement of having discovered something new," says Jack.

However, Victor*, a 27-year-old salesperson, is of a different opinion. He says he would adore a virgin if he landed one. He says taking a woman's flower is hard work, but it is great knowing no one has been there before you. Victor* is however quick to point out that it sounds creepy when a woman beyond a certain age is still a virgin.

"I don't expect a woman to be still a virgin after 26 in this permissive society. Something must be terribly wrong with her. She has to be either too fat, dirty or ugly to attract men," asserts Victor. Grace Munyoki, 36, says she wouldn't find it cool showing a grown man how to handle his business between the sheets.

She wonders why men would expect to find virgins, yet they always use and dump women. "Men want to have their cake and eat it. They want pre-marital sex, but still want to find a virgin to marry!" she wonders. Hilda* 26, a beautician in Nairobi, has been dumped three times after she made it clear that she is not ready to 'give it up'.

"My first boyfriend was great. We dated for close to two years, and all we did was romance and kiss with our clothes on, but never went all the way. We broke up over that; he wanted it, but I wasn't ready. Same thing happened with my subsequent two boyfriends," says Hilda.

She concludes that the naked truth is no man has ever seen her nude. "I value my body, and will not allow any man to go all the way if he has not married me," reveals Hilda.

However, interesting to note is that as much as most cultures valued virginity, some frowned upon it. For instance Kambas. When a newly married woman was discovered to be a virgin, she was sent back to her parents to lose it. It was taboo. Would you believe that?

"After one had been married, and their hubby found out they were virgins, all hell broke loose. Instead of thanking such a wife for her faithfulness, some husband reported the matter to the woman's grandmother!" explains Nguku wa Muthui, an old Kamba man.

Muthui says that the newly-wed virgin wife would be sent back to her people with a coded message. The woman would arrive back home with basket bearing a jembe or axe handle which hadn't been used. Her parents immediately deciphered what it meant and acted accordingly.

Being a virgin was frowned upon because it meant that one hadn't been trained properly on how to entertain her husband in bed; an aspect considered very important in marriage. Being prepared for marriage, among Kambas and many other communities, entailed losing ones virginity; a clandestine endeavour grandmothers, mothers and aunts organised, though never verbalised.

So, folks, is it safe to say we've gone full circle, or has ours become an overly immoral society?

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