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We apologise for being demeaning in 2014

My Man

Senator Muthama;Sonko;Barack ObamaI know your head is in post-X-Mas and pre-New Year right now, so my first apology is for taking you, dear reader, back to Mandela's funeral a year ago.

It was there that we first realised Barack Obama was actually a man, and not just a cross-breed between a Kenyan and an alien species that wishes to take over the world, 666.

How do we know this?

Because the leader of the free world flirted freely with long-legged blonde and Dane Premier, Helen Thorning-Schmidt (at least until Michelle with her 'omundu strong' Luhya arms came in-between these new BFFs).

So, looking back at 2014, I, a normal mortal, apologise to CS Amina at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for thinking she had really nice eyes (note the past tense).

I mean, these are the eyes that looked down the barrel of the ICC gun, the eyes with the dead hard stare that terrorists will encounter should they ever come face-to-face with this formidable lady.

I apologise for once twisting the name of a former security chief to 'ole Len Cook' on my Facebook.

The poet in me could not resist the chip pan, err, I meant, cheap pun. Anymore than the man, when summoned from the hotel to security industry, could not resist the leap from the frying pan, into the fire.

I apologise to my foe-turned-friend, Bob Alai, for any lie anyone may ever have said against him, now, in the future, and past.

But, really, he ought to have known better than provide phone numbers of the country's top honchos to all, sundry and mwananchi to inquire after matters of security which, after all, is up to you and me ( kwanza how many of your nyumba kumi neighbours do you know, ama kazi yako Krismasi hii, ni kukunywa kumi kumi)?

Unless you are a senator like Sonko, you cannot just call a president ovyo ovyo. To use the jubilant chief whip's language, kwani State House ni ya mama yako?

And talking of senators, I apologise to Senator Muthama for his torn trousers. But look on the upside, ok, down side. We took a quick underhand, under-pant poll, and 50.04 per cent of Kenyans liked your Y-Fronts.

Look under there!

(Like the song, I just made you say 'underwear'?) In retrospect, I apologise to that stewardess in the German beer garden whom I told was 'smoking hot.'

(Never mind that she did not really understand English, and thought I wanted a smokie or hot-dog). It is demeaning in the sense that she is a brewer of many hours' standing – and I want my big tip back.

To my literature teacher in Form Three, it was demeaning to nickname you 'Ihuoma' (a sobriquet that caught on like fire) even as you dedicated yourself wholly and soulfully to teaching us Elechi Amadi's 'The Concubine.'

To this day, I, and none of that class of SBC boys, can tell you what that book was about.

But everyone, 20 years later, remembers 'Ihuoma.'

And on to 1999 where this young man apologises to Mena Suvari, one of the actresses in American Pie 1 (how come folks only remember Stifler's mom)?

The thoughts we had about you back then should only be experienced by two adults of sound mind in a committed relationship, Mena.

From Hollywood to Australia, I would like to apologise to Esther Arunga for not dissuading her from running for the VP office in 2010 when she first confided the crackpot plot to me (yes, we were that close).

I just thought her and my friend Kingwa Kamenchu would make a far hotter couple in State House than the Uhuruto or RAO Kalonzo combination.

Never mind that Mr Musyoka, with that moustache, is actually pretty dashing.

Heil New Year.

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photo:nairobiwire.com  

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