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Sibling rivalry: Don't let it haunt your children

Sunday Magazine
 Ivy and Trizah Photo: Courtesy

On October 20, 2016, Ivy Maranga 26, slammed shut the bedroom door on her twin sister and barricaded herself inside.

"I knew something was up. It was early in the morning and I wanted to go back to bed but now I couldn't because she had locked me out," Trizah Maranga recalls.

"Wow! She even remembers the date," Ivy says, surprised that the incident remains etched in her sibling's memory. "I can't remember why I did that. I did lock her out for a while, but I recall that I was mad and generally feeling irritated."

Later that day, Ivy apologised to Trizah and took her out for dinner as a peace offering.

"We don't agree on most things: I could say 80 per cent of the time. We express very conflicting opinions," Trizah says.

Trizah describes their relationship as 'love-hate'. Ivy on the other hand sees it as 'love-love'. "It is a 'where as much as I want to 'kill' you, if you were ever harmed, I would be the one crying the most' situation," explains Trizah.

Such disagreements, Ivy says, were more pronounced when the two were growing up. In which case, Sheila Wachira, a counselling psychologist (and a mother herself) says such rivalry is normal if not an inherent part of growth that builds a child's character.

"Sibling rivalry exists in more than 80 per cent of our families, albeit in varied proportions and manifestations," she says.

A bit of jealousy, stalked by the unmistakable feelings of competition, is part of human nature. The problem, she explains, comes when parents fail to respond properly and within good time. Or when it is the parent grinding the mill of strife among the children.

When Ivy and Trizah have disagreed – usually vehemently – the embers from the resulting tension, they say, quickly fizzle out.

"It is a situation that resolves on its own," Trizah says. "Things cool down by themselves. We forgive and go back to being friends."

Neither of the two is worried or alarmed that this blowing-hot-blowing-cold sequence will spiral into an all-out loathing; a bare knuckle detestation that will have them constantly on tenterhooks.

"I love my sister to bits. I will do anything for her. We disagree but we love each other," Ivy says.

The recent festivities, apart from evoking feelings of love and togetherness among families, also unearthed simmering differences among brothers and sisters.

It is exactly for that reason that Dismass Odhiambo* admits that last Christmas fell short of the high regard he has always had for the occasion.

"This was the first time that all of us, brothers and sisters, were converging in the village at our parents' home. We brought along our spouses and children. I was expecting a happy time as the whole extended family came together," Dismass remarks.

Indeed there was happiness. But it all degenerated when, during an all-family sit-in, one sister's level of education was compared to a brother's less than flattering accomplishment and one brother's Mercedes Benz car was termed as superior to a different brother's Toyota.

"It got uglier as words were flung like explosive missiles. Had it not been for some uncles calling for calm, fists would have been exchanged," Dismass says.

In the morning, many decided to cut short the visit.

"I have been called back to work early," Dismass lied to his mother, before hurriedly bundling his wife and two children into the family car and driving off.

A week's vacation in the countryside was abruptly cut short by squabbles, which Dismass says could be linked to unresolved childhood grudges.

While competition and jealousy is a normal part of growth, Sheila Wachira says they should never morph to such fierce antagonistic envy.

"What parents need to do is to use each child's strength to shore up the others, so that siblings grow up understanding that they are gifted in different things and as such should be helping each other out where they fall short," Sheila says.

As a mother of two boys who have different skin complexions- one is dark while the other is way lighter, she wants them to grow understanding that none of them is better than the other. That they are just unique in their own ways.

Sheila's light bulb moment was when the dark-complexioned boy asked her why she chose the other brother to look like her and not him.

"I was shocked. It is something that I took seriously because if not well explained, it would foster strife between them which could change how they related even in their adult lives," she remarks.

According to Wandia Maina, a psychologist, when siblings are young they compete for petty things but the dynamic changes as they grow older.

"In adulthood, the paradigm changes and takes on an acrimonious form which can manifest in instances like when receiving inheritance from parents. When children become adults their differences are no longer petty. Instead they vie for material things or achievements," she adds.

Sibling rivalry potentially overflows from the siblings to oncoming generations, setting up cousins for a repeat of their forefathers' hatred for each other. If not curtailed, the dislike solidifies into other forms in future.

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